Smile. It kills the people who want you to cry.

Being content? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering. We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. It’s so easy to say I want to change, but so difficult to actually do something with my life. I’m caught in the middle of everything and I can’t ever seem to find my way. I realize so much more each day, I don’t know what to do with it all.

I shouldn't worry about what seems to be ending; but I should consider what is beginning. I'm moving away, Away not only physically but from an arrangement that has been unsatisfactory for some while, even though it has provided a degree of superficial stability. Yet, there is still so much uncertainty.  I need to forget how things were and not be afraid of how things will be. 

Let's do something about it. we both know it's not working. we both know we want it how it used to be. but how can you progress when there's so many things stopping you. those words bombed the pathways to our safehaven. those actions made us so weak. we're stronger now. it's been weeks.. it's been hours of crying, praying, wanting, wishing... and it's finally come to a hault. i feel as if my life is crashing down before me and i'm just standing here... letting everything crash... letting those words settle around me, build walls around me. your smile, your laughter, everything is just killing me, tearing me apart. it's true that actions speak louder than words, but words build bridges... words let you find your path. i'm locked here in this cage. i'm trapped in a world of misunderstandings and apathy. i can't escape no matter what i try. so i'll let go. sometimes you just have to work with what you have... even if you have nothing.

and Flowers really? Really? Why do people think flowers are beautiful? they're boring, delicate, yet somehow intricate. how can someone enjoy getting flowers. flowers that are dead. do you get joy out of receiving dead gifts? that's no more appealing than my dog killing a sparrow and laying it outside my door for me to step on. personally, i'd rather you grow me a garden than kill me one. i don't want your charity. I don't want anything from you. 

I'm the only one to blame. it will always be me. Nothing is permanent. even life. it is all so fleeting. yet knowing this doesn't stop me from being so wrapped up in the trivial things that seem to surround me. my heart is so shut off I'm not even sure if it still beats. or maybe I've silenced the sound to avoid hearing it's unrhythmic pounding. have I always been this broken? I'm not sure I know where to begin. I want to feel the fire. I'm so cold. So distant. So afraid. I'm terrified of letting my anger out because it just might kill me. I'll just hold it in. just hold it in. I've felt it for so long. I think it's always been there. building, waiting. this demon that has taken me over is getting harder to constrain. no one knows. no one really knows. I hope they never will. But then again it might set me free. These walls look at me as if they know; what's coming. I don't want to cry anymore. Too tired. the sun doesn't shine here anymore. it's lost it's way. all I have to guide me now is the moon. but it's about as reliable as the people in my life. I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. maybe soon I won't. color me committed.

why do we look for love? lust? what is it inside us that makes us need someone else? I need no one. But I want someone more than ever. I act shocked when I'm told the truth, when I knew it all along. everyone else was wrong. I told you so just doesn't have the same ring to it when said while fighting back tears. I'll be fine. Better than fine, I'll be ok. I don't need anyone. my feet are cold. How do you really know the truth? You never will unless they want you to. Should I try anyway? It could end differently. It could end badly. I want my hope back. I was content. Then I was pushed. Why do we get so worked up over one person? There are billions of people in this world. But yet one manages to set our whole life off track, if we allow it. Wouldn't it be nice to catch a break. Get what you want. Isn't it awful how when someone rejects you, you try to think of what you did wrong? It's a matter of personal opinion. Not right or wrong. Everything will be as it shall be. Fate, destiny, irrelevant. my mind won't stop racing. won't slow down enough for me to catch up. this is just babbling. ranting. unimportant. in a week I won't feel this anymore. it won't matter. why wait that long? it doesn't matter now. I just decided. wouldn't that be easier? I'm not letting anything stand in my way of happiness anymore. I wish I could follow through with anything I thought. With what I wanted to do. I forget. And get caught up. I mean well. My heart will one day beat strong, proud, content. It will pump my veins full of happiness. I want to go on a road trip. Drive for three days straight. I feel foolish. Why do I let it affect me like this? It's a crush.. guess that's the dead give away right there. crush –verb (used with object) 1. to press or squeeze with a force that destroys or deforms. destroy. break it down and you realize we do all that we do to feel alive. but what really makes you feel alive? truly, undeniably alive? pain. we look for happiness, and when we get it, we no longer want it. Happiness is an illusion, or delusion. everyone has something to lose. that's something to look forward to. I have quit smoking. so far not helping. I quit drinking a while ago.. well I didn't drink as often. Because I didn't like how I acted or felt when I was drunk, anymore. Keeping everything bottled up for so long creates a lot of inner turmoil. And when I drink I have a harder time keeping it hidden. Like right now I want to scream. I want to cry. I miss my home, my friends, my life, everything that was mine. I'm stuck in this house, with rules, and insane quirks about water bills. the most stupid shit you could think of I have to deal with it. I'm tired of having to rely on other people. That's why I've pushed them away. If I can't do it myself, it doesn't need to be done. I decided this today when I had to carry a dresser down two flights of stairs by myself, because no one would help me as many times as I have asked in the past 2 weeks. I thought how it would be easier to have someone's help. But who needs easy? I like a good challenge. Just please god don't take anything else away yet.

I love you just a little too much. I feel so numb. Like nothing matters. I absolutely hate this feeling. Some people, they can't just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Or at least seem to be. But for me... I don't know. I don't want to fix it, to forget. It's not something that's broken. It's just...something that happened. 

5 o'clock this morning. Rest in paradise FWD. I love you.

Thought I was going to start my internship tonight, instead I'm making a trip to North Carolina due to the phone call from my grandfathers hospice nurse saying he wouldn't make it through the night. It's going to be a rough couple of days.

I just wanna talk to somebody. Somebody who gives a fuck about what I have to say.

Seeing my grandmother cry like that breaks my heart. She's loosing the love her of her life, and i can't even imagine the pain she's feeling. The man I sung to everyday, played hide and seek with, the man who made me breakfast every morning is dying as I type this and there's nothing I can do about it. Nobody told me grief felt so much like fear. I hate death. I hate it. Everything is taken away from you, and you have nothing left but memories that make you feel like even more has been stolen.

You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be in pain. But I don't want to loose you. I want you the way you use to be, but that's selfish. You swore that you'd be fine, but you're not.


"So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side. Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die. Because if seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes."

If things could stay just like this forever, and you could stay right here; I'd be happy. Wishes are only wishes.

Keep assuming. Look just how far it's gotten you.

lol, I thought you were the only exception to this jealous petty shit...oh but know. Bitch, you wouldn't know half the people you hang out with if it wasn't for me if you wanna get technical. Don't even try me with some bullshit. GOD DAMN. Way to piss me off.


I don't get it. Enlighten me? Why do some people seem to have enemies while others go through life without angering and alienating anybody at all? Perhaps they just have more affable dispositions than me. Or maybe they don't need antagonists and opponents because they are so very good at upsetting and annoying themselves. 

What the actual fuck was I thinking?

Confidence is a wonderful thing when you've got it. it has an annoying tendency to slip out of sight and prove difficult to retrieve. You know you had it somewhere. It surely can't be too far away. But even when you turn everything upside down, there is no joy. Indeed, there is rarely any joy when you turn everything in your world upside down - and rarely any confidence. 

Eh, seeing all the faggots I graduated posting pictures of their ugly dorms, makes me feel like a loser...even though I'm going to school in October. At least I'll be living in an actually home, not a cinder block room.

I'm excited about tomorrow. Curren$y.
I'm so tired. I can't sleep for shit though.

Stop trying so fucking hard. I hope your ego eats you alive. Asshole.

Transitions. Transitions. Transitions. Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.


It's hard to get over the fact that I'm the only person stopping me from getting what I want. Why can't I overcome what's dragging me down? I keep waiting and waiting. Nothing's going to change, until I do. I'm so apathetic. I don't care. I just don't fucking care. But I want to care. I want to fucking care.


If I died, I contemplate who would even give a fuck. I wouldn't.

I hate you. I fucking hate you, in every since of the phrase. How dare you put words in my mouth. I don't control what others say about me to you. My words only mean something when you hear them from me. You are exactly what you say "a piece of shit sperm donor." Don't act so smug. You know you haven't done shit to benefit me, besides paying for a root canal two years ago. That's 1, 500 dollars in 15 years. I'm your daughter. Your fucking daughter. Take some fucking responsibility before I ring you for every penny you own. Fuck your snaggle toothed bitch wife too, it's none of her business...and she has no place to say a word to me. I pitty my brother, he's gonna be one fucked up little boy living with you two. And in response to me "hurting your feelings."...Fuck your feelings. You never cared about mine. Did you? GOD DAMN.

Random. I should let my guard more often. who knew some dread head i met at birthday bash could show me such a good time. Haa. Apparently I can just smile, turn on the charm and get what I want, why aren't I doing that? I let my past get to me. I'm always to angry with someone else to be nice to the people who just try to mend a heart they didn't break.

Whatever happens, remember I did, I do, and I will always love you.

lol anybody that cuts you off, just because somebody else doesn't like you.....is not your friend my dear. Let me keep telling myself that. I'd like to conserve the little bit of sanity I have left. These walls were built for a reason.

I've had a good couple of days. Gunna smoke my ass off until November. On everything. lol
Best friends birthday is on Wednesday, gotta plan something special.

Hoping, wishing, praying Amber gets me a job. Fuck the one I got.

Nobody said it would be easy. But nobody said it would be this hard.

Nobody's trying to impress you. Get the fuck over yourself. You aren't shit to anybody, but yourself. I Can't afford to be compassionate. If I allow myself to feel sorry for you, I'll just end up giving more than I can spare.

Lowest of the lows? I guess hitting bottom means you can only go up right? Realization. That positive ignorant, unrealistic outlook I've acquired within the last few days has suddenly vanished. Short period of denial. But ya' know, good ol' pessimistic Caylee is back in full swing. I'm in such a lonely place right now, surrounded by people. Venting to the people I call friends isn't the easiest thing, nobody would actually take in what I'm saying; accept or understand the lack of energy I have for life in general, believe me that I feel this is a permanent state of being in which I can't stand to bare any longer. I'm beginning to hate everyone in my life slowly but surely, and I've never dared to make such a broad statement.  I think I'm done with the internet for a while. Fuck off if anyone even reads this God for saken thing.

And the times I need a friend more than ever...nobody is to be found. Not to say I'm not grateful for the amazing people (I could count on one hand) that I do care for here, but I'm really praying to God I meet somebody worth something when I go to school. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish Keenyn still lived in Dunwoody, because my apartment is literally down the street from his old one. Shit sucks to think about all the good memories we could have possibly shared.

My fucking heart was just ripped out of my body. Thank you, asshole.


If absence truly makes the heart grow fonder, the secret of a happy heart is clear. I guess I'll keep well away. Maybe you'll learn to appreciate me. Even if this relationship has already sailed beyond the realm of romance into the marsh of mundanity, memory is a fickle thing. What once seemed to sparkle seductive, is unforgettably grim. I wouldn't dare say nothing every works in my favor, but nothing in this department. I'm always making excuses as to why things don't work out, or what I could change about a person if I had the God given ability...but truthfully it's myself i need to work on. 

I wish I could tell you how I feel.

I had lunch with my Father today, who was in town for "business," but I didn't ask any questions. The usual: "How are you?" "Fine." I avert my eyes because i'm not really "fine" at all. I feel bad for him. He's so clueless that he doesn't know or care to understand why his own daughter, his own flesh and blood doesn't love him anymore. He's missing, never really around I suppose, physically or mentally. You can't love someone who's not there, but perhaps I'm never really there either. I didn't say anything confrontational today though. I'll do what I always do; answer him politely and try to be the daughter he wants me to be, I know I don't really match the bland ideal. There's too much turmoil burning me up for that but I can easily act like the sweet little four year old that he left to rot. I'm humoring him, because the whole situation is too far gone change anything now. I've cried too many bullshit tears to try to patch up the bullshit man that sat in front of me.

After going through hell and back to find buy a blunt, I'm sitting here taking hit after hit...thinking I should smoke the entire dutch..regardless of the fact that I planed to save it for tomorrow. Another hit, chase another oblivion. My head hurts, and I'm starting to feel sad again. The memories are returning..having you in my life is shit. How did i come here? There's nothing I want, no higher desire. There's nothing to chase, and no where to escape. Always chasing, never satisfied, in every oblivion and in every dream of everyday. The potential for fulfillment outweighs the risk of disappointment.

I have three fucking roommates. THREE. Not one, not two, THREE. God knows what they're like. I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible about this whole thing, but I can't help to think of the worst. And now I'm gunna have to come home all the time for fucking community service. It's just a lot to deal with. I'll deal with it though, like everything else I'm forced to deal with. Like I deal with the shit you put me through. 


It's like I always want the best for the people I love the most. Unless, that is, I begin to suspect that what is best for them is to have a taste of second-best for a while. You're becoming too presumptuous. I'm starting to feel taken for granted. Boys will be boys I suppose. I've never been one to work out differences that I don't deem important. Maybe that's my problem. 

Don't think that I'm pushing you away, when you're the one who I've kept closest.

I'm dreading next Thursday. I'll get through it though. 

When something makes me feel sad, I really ought to feel glad. Sources of sorrow lead to wise choices that can only bring me greater strength and happiness. Unless, that is, they are allowed to turn into sources of resentments. It is only when I feel bitter that I begin to make mistakes. It is essential that I extend kind thoughts and feelings towards all the people and situations that may have contributed towards a sense of discomfort and disappointment. The more I do that, the happier I will be.

but 14 bitch? Really? Really? 

Love you more than those bitches before.

Stop assuming everything I do revolves around you.

More nights like the last please. My head hurts though. Glad I finally got that off my chest, even if it did take a couple drinks. You're pretty perfect, for now at least.

I keep telling myself i'm leaving soon but it's not soon enough.

I'm not sure why it pisses me off so much that you're such a shitty person. It's not me. Maybe it's the fact that you act so innocent and play both sides of everything, yet you say you stand for what you believe in. Maybe?

If you're going crazy, grab me and take me.

I hang on to things that I ought to let go of. I let go of things that I ought to keep. The 'letting go' bit is not such a problem. If things are really meant to be for me, they'll come back to me. It's the 'hanging on' bit that I need to be wary of. I must be especially wary of clinging too tightly to anger. Resentment. Suspicion. Disappointment. Lust.  I shouldn't ask now whether someone deserves to be forgiven, ask whether I deserve the pain of keeping a bad feeling alive.

I’m not anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I’m special to them but I know there’s someone they will always choose over me

"I wanted you to fuck me, but then I got greedy and wanted you to love me."

I have the weirdest fucking dreams, it creeps me out that my subconscious thoughts are that strange.

You deserve someone stable, and I can't be that for you.

My hands are searching for you.
My arms are outstretched towards you.
I feel you on my fingertips.
My tongue dances behind my lips for you.
This fire rising through my being.
Burning; I'm not used to seeing you

Love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not falling in love; I'm just falling to pieces.

I've had a really good last couple of days. Going to the lake, watching fight club, drinking whiskey, getting sunburn, watching fireworks. I need more summer days like this, even though my summer is dwindling away.

Fucking slut.

Fuck love, I'm tired of trying. My heart's big, but it beats quiet.

There are nice ways to say things and then there are thoughtless ways. When I express myself carelessly, I can create unnecessary conflict and turn potential allies into resentful adversaries. Even when I claim to be unaffected by the attitudes of others, I can't help but feel sensitive. Must I really  make an allowance for someone else's unconscious actions?

I'm not sure of where I'm going, but I'm on the way.
I'm done stressing about school.
I think I have a job at ulta.
I had a really good birthday, regardless of getting kicked out of my house.
Rachel took me to lil five points and got me drunker than a white bitch at Becca's.
Amber took my boy and I to Atlantic station to eat a strip, then to the Hookah bar.

After all the fucking work I did for West Georgia, I start at the Art Institute of Atlanta in July. Thank you low SAT scores.

Bad things happen in three.

1. I'm not going to college until January.
2. Daniel overdosed on heroin last night, rest in peace baby boy. 
3. You're moving to fucking New York.

My world never revolves, it always has to shift and jerk in every God damn way.

Breath while you're alive.

It's hard to not talk to you when it's all I want to do.

im getting down with the awkard moments 
im getting down with his sour-sweet kiss 
im getting down with the rumors in the back of the car 
im getting down with your new vocation.
im getting down with your cute cut wrist 
im getting down with the cross-stitches on it 
im getting down with the young drunk lovers 
im getting down with the haters
im getting down with the one-way pact 
im getting down with the city and the pity of it 
im getting down with it 

I am too satisfied with the things I say, the things I do, the attitudes that shape my reactions day after day. I too easily accept quick assessments of my own righteousness in situations where I have been anything but righteous. I am too skilled at arguments structured to make me feel okay about what I think, about what I desire, about what I do. I am too defensive when a loved one makes an attempt to call me out and suggest for a moment that what I have decided, said, or done is less than good. I am too comfortable with the state of things between you and me, too relaxed with the nature of my love for you, too able to minimize my need for your grace. In my world there is so much that is wrong that I am able to convince myself it's right. I make decisions based more on what I want than on what you will. To tell you the truth, I'm a stupid girl. I am a complete and total disaster. I am broken. I will tell you over and over that i don’t want to be put back together. I like being around crazy people. I apologize too much but I'm never sorry. I'm always tired but never sleeping. I'll think you're absolutely beautiful but I will dwell on your flaws.  As much as I say I'm open, I'm the most judgmental person you will ever meet.  yet, people's opinions mean everything and nothing to me at the same time. i have something to say about everything. 

I've had a good couple of days. 

Everything is good now. 

Lol, okay we get it.

I find it rather pathetic that my grandfather is laying down the hall from me on his death bed, and yet all I can think about is you. Why do I let my mind run off?

I'm sorry in advance that it took me this long to realize I have no feelings for you. I'm in North Carolina by the way, so don't send me any nasty text messages about how I'm ignoring you. You can stop reading this shit now. After saturday night, I'm done.

Pool party today, I'm excited.

I'm going to keep my lips sealed, because it's none of my business.....but if you only knew. I guess what you don't know won't hurt you, right?

People are wonderful. People are annoying. People are impressive. People are disappointing. Yes, I know. These statements contradict each other. But then, so do people. Not only do people contradict each other, they contradict themselves. We are all good and bad, great and terrible, capable and helpless. And none of us, if the truth be told, know quite which of these things we are going to be next. I've learned that everybody has flaws, if you want someone to be apart of your life, you learn to live with their flaws. I'm letting go of people I don't want in my life; even if it's because they don't want me in theirs. 




Letting go is not to forget, not to think about or ignore. It doesn’t have any feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning or losing. It’s not about being proud. It’s not about obsessing and dwelling on the past. It isn’t about loss and it isn’t about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to over come them and move on. Letting go is accepting. Letting go is having the courage to accept change. Letting go is growing up. I’m growing up, letting go. I'll miss my past, but the past is the past. No more mean words. No more mean thoughts. 

I'm in a strange mood. I'm ready for Friday. 

I'm happy, but I'm sad. I'm excited, but I'm nervous. i want to die, but I don't. I love you, but i hate you. I'm tired, but I'm not. I'm fine, but not really. I can't talk to you, but I can't not talk to you.

Fuck a boyfriend. That shit don't ride.

It really sucks that this is all being thrown at me. Thanks for sharing my personal business, like who I've had sex with. I'm glad I didn't tell you much, even though you swore you could be trusted. It's sad. I'm not even mad, I'm disappointed.

I was never happy with you. I was just less pissed off. I'm done sticking up for you. I hate you just as much as everybody else.

Who would have thought? It sucks that you read this stupid thing, or I would probably write all that gushy, happy stuff I'm feeling. Just know you're pretty good for me.

Here comes that feeling I thought I'd forgotten.

Everybody play the tuff guy till' shit pop off.




Don't expect shit when you can't even reply to a text message.
I have this nasty taste in my mouth because for some reason
I chewed my Advil when I went to swallow it.
I'm losing my mind.

What a nice weekend.

I smoked. Read my entry before. Realized I need to shut the fuck up.

"Some people are difficult to deal with. You may have noticed this. You may even have lately begun to feel as if your world is full of examples. Might this be because you, too, are not always easy-going? You may have a very affable air but your likes and dislikes are strong and intense. You soon become defensive when these are challenged or when you are kept apart from your preferences. Make some allowance now for another person's difficult behaviour. Hopefully, someone else, in turn, will extend the same courtesy to you. "




My horoscopes amaze me sometimes, how on point they are. 

It really is hard to find good people. People that make it possible for you to overlook their imperfections and love them for who they are. I try to see the very best in people, I really do..but lately I've been let down so much, every person is just a test of my patience. Last night was HORRIBLE. Let me say it again, HORRIBLE. pffff. My two "best friends" were more concerned about taking a fucking bath together than me crying in a room by myself. Keenyn doesn't give a fuck anymore. Terry didn't give a fuck..never did..he's proved that by now. Rachel was only concerned with getting the opposite sex's attention. And fucking Asap, duuuuude fuck you. You will never have my full energy, ever. Today isn't much better, getting left alone..on Easter. I want to die sometimes. Most of the time. I truly believe my non existence would hardly be noticed. Wanting to believe the best about people doesn't make it true.

You Be Hollerin That Whoop De Whoooop , Blah Ze Blaaaah , He Say/she Say , Oh My God 
Shut The Fuck Up ! 

Fuck laying in bed thinking about everything you’re not doing. Fuck feeling like time is running out. Fuck self image. Fuck not trying hard enough. Fuck the internet. Fuck phony friends. I’m fucking crazy. Everyone gets on my last nerve. From the ignorant fucks who walk slow as hell in the hall ways of my stupid school, to my erratic, impressive mother. I do what I like, and like what I do. I have absolutely no filter. I'll never deny it. Try to impress me, and I promise you will fail. I’ll say it again. I’m fucking crazy. I get in moods where I feel like I could kill somebody with my bare hands, only to come down wanting all these shitty fucking people right next to me again. How the FUCK am I suppose to lead a normal life, with normal relationships with you awful fucking people? Am I the only person who finds it so difficult to trust people, to put faith in people? I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone. 

A person can only take so much before they break.
You can't break something that's already broken.

"Explain what? Explain how much I think about you? Or how much I wish you were my girl? You're so different from other girls. Just the way you talk to me and the conversations we have. You're so chill, and laid back and not another attention seeking bitch...even though I give you more attention than you give me. I just wish you felt the same. you know? Is that good enough explaining?"


Damn. My stomach is in knots.

"I really do care about you, it's just I feel like I'm not the only one that has your attention..and that really bothers me."

Just so you know...just so you fucking know..YOU are the only person who "has my attention" at that God for saken school. It's sad that you can't see that.

Morgan Ansleigh Reece

Don't ever call yourself ugly. Please. You're one of the most beautiful people I know, ascetically and internally. Cliche, I know..but you're nothing less. Honestly. You are the only person, literally, the only person...I can see myself being life long friends with. You're everything I could ever want and need in a best friend. Know that you have people in your life that love and care about you, that will never leave you hanging. Never second guess yourself. I don't express it as much as I should, but I'm grateful to have you in my life, I truly am. I love you.

swear to God, I'm cutting everybody off. EVERYBODY.

I have a thing for boys named Brandon. Damn.
Easy to fall. Easy to break. I'm afraid to even put myself out there anymore.
People eat souls Especially boys named Brandon.

I feel so ugly.

When my heart is set on obtaining an objective, I will ignore every counter-argument. If I hear a justification, no matter how flimsy it may be, I will seize on it eagerly. Even those times that I take pride in an ability to read life's most subtle signposts, I find it easier to see the symbols that suit my preferred point of view. How, then, can i possibly stand back and look at my current situation with an open mind. I can't. But it doesn't matter. 

My face is heated. My eyes are swollen. You're so mean.
I really do fucking hate having nobody to talk to.

Sometimes I just wish you loved me more. Or at least showed that you did. I feel like I do a lot to be "perfect little miss house wife" and take care of you, and then I leave and go have a completely separate life away from you. I have to put everything I want on hold, so why is it you get to keep living your life like nothing's changed while I sit at home waiting for you to text me? I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to wonder about who your with, if you're going to wake up one day, decide I'm not attractive like I used to be and just leave..

Words can not describe just how fucked up..
A girl with daddy issues...is always a girl with issues.
How can someone tolerate being treated like this?

Please kill me, or give me a new life and new friends and new things to do, that is all.

Your room smells like loud and cologne. With your red curtains and cute lil' mattress on the floor. I like tonight.

The lingering reminder of someone who doesn’t exist. It feels like its been months since you’ve talked to them or seen them. but it still hasn’t been long enough to forget their smell or the constant reminder that they aren’t there. You don’t want them. You don’t need them. but the reminder will not leave. You try to think back to times when they meant nothing, at all. Times you spent with them and felt nothing. The guilt you felt for not feeling the same. Not missing them after they leave. Remember those times. Don’t remember the times they didn’t text back or annoyed you enough to drive you crazy. Don’t remember all the songs that remind you of them. Don’t remember the movies you made out during. Don’t remember how they made you feel. Don’t remember how it felt to never be enough. Remember how much you never wanted them. Remember the other options you let pass you by. That’s the only way you get past these things. You throw them into a box and bury it. You can’t peak inside every so often to check on them. They aren’t checking on you. They’re gone. Then you get that amazing feeling back. The feeling of being content. Basking in your loneliness. No one to keep you up at night. No one to text back. No one to make you cry or feel upset. The free feeling of having no attachments. When you have it, you don’t enjoy it nearly as much as you should. You’re always hoping and wishing you’d find someone new. Someone to text. someone to lose sleep over. but sitting where you are now, it sounds like the best feeling ever. waking up, enjoying your day, going to sleep - never worrying about someone who no longer cares. but then you get to a point where you’re afraid you’ll never care again. no one will be interesting or exciting enough to make you fall back into that downward spiral. until they do, and it happens all over again with someone new.

I'm not giving up, I'm starting over.

I'm so glad I turned my phone off.

I'm so glad we're okay now.

I'm so glad I have something to look forward to. 

I hate that you lose all sense of reality. You put everyone else second. Even the ones that have always put you first. It's sad to know you can become so consumed, so quickly. Guess I'll be making new summer plans?

It’s not that i don’t care, its just i don’t want to have the burden to care. your attitude is repulsive. Your mind set is incorrigible. your imagination is far too limited. quit relying on me for fun. if you are going to do something, do it. i don’t fight back; i won’t fight back. you are too concerned with yourself to be concerned with others. you are far too interested in being that ‘badass’, while i on the otherhand don’t care. You only care about sex, I on the other hand, couldn’t give a fuck. i fight with words, not actions. Opening your mouth would spread germs. It doesn’t scare me anymore, you don’t scare me anymore. I miss you? Yeah, I guess. But honestly? It seems,  I’m doing better without you.  It wasn’t in vain; it wasn’t all wrong; it wasn’t our fault. i believe in you and i believe in what you want to be. if you can’t touch the stars, fly away with the clouds. You’re an amazing, amazing person. Your heart is bigger than anything, anyone has ever built. Your goodness overrules what evil I’ve done to you. and those tears were for the new you. i hope you learned. I’ve learned to forgive, but not forget. I’ve moved on. Although you’d done that long ago. I hope you know, even though I’ve become nothing but a fleeting matter, i am forever here.