I'm the only one to blame. it will always be me. Nothing is permanent. even life. it is all so fleeting. yet knowing this doesn't stop me from being so wrapped up in the trivial things that seem to surround me. my heart is so shut off I'm not even sure if it still beats. or maybe I've silenced the sound to avoid hearing it's unrhythmic pounding. have I always been this broken? I'm not sure I know where to begin. I want to feel the fire. I'm so cold. So distant. So afraid. I'm terrified of letting my anger out because it just might kill me. I'll just hold it in. just hold it in. I've felt it for so long. I think it's always been there. building, waiting. this demon that has taken me over is getting harder to constrain. no one knows. no one really knows. I hope they never will. But then again it might set me free. These walls look at me as if they know; what's coming. I don't want to cry anymore. Too tired. the sun doesn't shine here anymore. it's lost it's way. all I have to guide me now is the moon. but it's about as reliable as the people in my life. I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. maybe soon I won't. color me committed.