it’s meaningless. what are we here for? life isn’t a fucking journey, it’s a constant fucking battle, a constant search for right and wrong. How can it suddenly be wrong to do the things that make us what we are? if we kill, we are evil. if we save, we are heroes. if we use drugs, we are useless. if we are scholars, we are brilliant. but what am i? i could kill, i could save, i could be useless, i am brilliant. what makes me any different from the murderers? nothing. nothing sets us apart. we are all the same. we are all the same. but we are all murderers. we all kill ourselves searching. we all lose balance and fall face first into the mountainside, stumbling to a halt at the rocky bottom. hell. we’re all searching. we’re all losing. we’re all faceless. i don’t have an identity. i just am. i see, i feel, but i don’t know because i’m afraid. i’m afraid of every single thing. i’m afraid of what i don’t know. we’re here to experience, but how can you experience anything if all you’ve ever felt is numb? i can’t shake this feeling. i’m guilty, i’m angry, i’m useless, i’m a coward, i’m nothing, i’m fucking nothing! i’ll never be anything, why am i trying? why do i try so hard? why am i so lifeless, dull, drained? i’m so young! i’m too young! i’m too young to die! i’m so fucking tired. i’m so fucking tired of pulling my hair out over this. i’m so tired of sleepless nights. i’m so tired of tossing and turning and dreaming of nothing. i’m so tired of never being able to pull myself out of a dream because it’s so exhuberant. i’m so tired of working hard and getting nothing in turn. i’m tired of being lonely, surrounded by people, but still so fucking alone. i’m always so fucking alone. i’m always so fucking alone! i never fail at failing. i never fail at falling. i just want to give up.

I am fucking screaming. My lungs are bursting. My throat cannot contain itself. I have a knot in my stomach the size of my head. I am right in your face, right on the edge, yet you can’t hear me. You are deaf to everything. You don’t listen. You don’t understand. Nor, do you care to understand. You pretend everything is fine. You pretend I can’t hear you. You pretend I can’t see you. How do the ones we love kill us? How are we so naive to the truth? How do we hold on so long, with every ounce of energy, with every gleam of hope- - -only to be crushed, destroyed in seconds? I just love how no matter what I do, how much I accomplish, you can ruin it. You make me stronger. You break me down, and I build myself back up. I have good people in my life that help. But my motto lately seems to be, I need no one. I stand by this still. I will prove it. I will graduate with good grades, make hope…go to college. I will get the money to move out. I will do what it takes. Like I always do. I have been busting my ass for a year straight now, one way or another. Why stop now? I won’t cry. I won’t break. I won’t cry. I will smile through this rush of nerves that hits my throat. I’ll puke before I cry. Why couldn’t you just be proud? Happy for me? Anything? There is always something negative hidden in your tone. You know it. Admit it. I feel like you resent me? Could I be wrong? possibly. why should you? I do my best, which is better than most. I go above and beyond for anyone. And when I need them, they are no where to be found. And as for you.. boo fucking hoo your going through something? Aren’t you always? Well now I am, and I would like to talk, hear some words of encouragement. But, where are you?