Three dangerous words. Each time they are uttered, in this order, trouble of some kind is bound to ensue: 'Supposed'. 'To'. 'Be'. Oh, how tempting it is to string them all together without those quotation marks, and thus let loose the demon of destiny. This irritating imp lives within us all. It nags and niggles us. It urges us on to judge everyone and everything - most of all ourselves. Is this what's supposed to be happening? 

Keenyn,

I miss the feeling that you genuinely care about me. I feel like it's some difficult task just for you to call me, as if you feel like you must..not because you want to. Whatever. I do care...but let me go ahead and say I don't...just to make myself feel better.

Don't confuse my personality for my attitude towards you. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

My heart doesn't beat, fuck the heart throb feel. I'm not going to over think the fact that it's stupid to care about the situation, because regardless of the reasons you would propose to me as to why I'm over reacting...it does bother me...a whole fucking lot. There isn't even a word to describe the way I feel right now.

It's so weird that I want to like you, but can't.
according to Naiseyi "it's easy to tell your feelings for me.."
But I don't know. Last night was nice though.
It's good to know I can bring people around Naiseyi without her judging.

You're so grimey.

You don't have to make an excuse for everything. 

I hate drugs. I hate people that ditch me. I hate sluts. I hate people who don’t appreciate the effort I put forth. I hate complaints. I hate people who can’t let go of the past. I hate paper cuts. I hate shitty music. i hate my stupid fucking neighbor who thinks he’s so damn cool. I hate guys that think they deserve my undivided attention. I hate promises. I hate people who spend all God damn day on the phone and internet, but can’t reply to me…cause their “busy.” I hate people who only want me when I start to want someone else. I hate how people look to me for stability when I can’t even keep my feet on the ground. 

What the actual fuck? You contradict THE fuck out of yourself, and it drives me fucking crazy.

You're selfish. 

I honestly feel like I'm living a double life.
Nobody has a single fucking clue but you.

I have been searching through all the things I have forgotten. Not only do I want to remember you, I would love to remember myself. Once, there was a girl who knew what she wanted. Now there is an empty shell begging to be filled. Fill me with knowledge, with hope, and with everything you hate. Indifferently, she will shrug you off, and realize life is worth more than this town. Life is worth more than anything she could buy. 

I don’t always know why I feel what I feel. Sometimes, I have a reaction to someone or something and I simply cannot explain what has triggered this. As I don’t like being left without something to say, I start inventing reasons for my emotions. My head tries to justify and support my heart. It is always preferable when these two disparate forces within ourselves start pulling together as a team. it’s fatal

I'd rather just stay quiet than try to explain my feeling to someone who doesn't give a fuck.

I just realized the amount of negative energy you hold. I've never met someone with such an erratic, bitchy, introverted personality. I can barley stand to be around you. I tolerate you, because I feel like i have too...because you're ALWAYS there..some how. The way you talk about people, as if you don't have the SAME issues. You're disgusting. You're on my list guuurrrlfriend.

I'm so numb.
I want to sleep for the next 6 months.
I hate this.
I hate what I've gotten myself into.
At this very moment, nothing matters to me.
Nothing.

"Blessed are they who have no expectations, for they shall not be disappointed.' Is that good advice? Or is it a cop-out. You are a deep-thinking Cancerian. Surely, you know better than anyone how two apparently opposing ideas can both be relevant and valid. Sit on that fence, hedge those bets, cover those bases, but don't lower your sights or your standards too far. You really do now have a reason to expect an upturn in your emotional life. And it would be a shame to miss out on this just by adopting some overly pessimistic point of view."




i rely so heavily on my astrology for decision making. 
I guess I should give you a chance? 

Keenyn, if you even read this anymore...I love you. Please don't forget about me.

"It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed. That someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless. like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone..you almost wish you that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good"


:(

It was really hard to bite my tongue when she told me that.
Shit sucks.
I was thinking about it ALL day.

Opinions are a disease.  Given conducive conditions, they breed and multiply. Sooner or later, we are all infected. We realise that we cannot have an idea of our own because someone else has already thought about the subject and stamped their own idea upon it. Thus we echo and parrot the voices that we hear. But how carefully do any of us really stop to think before we speak? 

Does anything ever get better?

Mom, just so you fucking know....taking away a phone doesn't bother me.
it actually makes me want to piss you off even more.

Keep preaching about me moving out, cause when I do...
you'll never hear from me..even if I'm at the end of my wits with no where to go.
Burning bridges.
Making wishes.

I feel like there is a giant magnet in my chest which is forlornly pulling at an invisible counterpart, just hoping that something will pull back. I feel like my own skin is trying to crawl its way off my body, or something underneath is trying to break though. As if, very soon, I will soar and combust and be filled with an irrevocable calm. I feel like, for the past few years, I’ve just been waiting. Waiting to wake up and realise and know. 

When in reality, I’ve been slowly drowning for a while now; getting heavier and deeper as time goes on, the surface being just out of reach. Once or twice I might see a glimmer of light through the waves but it’s become too nice and quiet down here — safe — that I never try too hard to keep afloat. I just sink deeper into the dark, bottomless pit of silence, loneliness and despair where nobody bothers you and you just wilt away from existence without even trying.

When people say "I know what you're going through," I'm just thinking.....NO. NO, you don't. Maybe something similar, but no. You wouldn't understand, so why should i even bother explaining?

Do you know how many times I got asked if I was "okay" this weekend?

Guess I'm starting to act differently. 

Great. 

For all of you that have made my week amazing..
Let me get this out of my system before I explode:

• stop playing the fucking victim. Hold your own, be accountable for your own actions. 
• why are you so damn moody and sensitive? Nobody feels sorry for you. You're a bitch. You talk shit about everyone, and then expect them to want to be your friend? 
• I ALWAYS try to hang out with you, and you always have some lame excuse. Don't throw shit back in my face.
• you're really starting to erk me, the way you think you know every God damn thing about everyone. 
• You’re as deceitful or hypocritical as the next, and we all know your game. Your complexity is nothing more than a cover-up for your insecurities.

You're annoying as fuck.

"You fear that you are in danger of 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. You have made a statement; given a declaration of intent. Now, you are starting to doubt yourself. Have you been too extreme? Have you made a promise that you can't deliver or a threat that you don't feel able to come through with? Just before you backtrack, consider the possibility of standing firm. You have chosen a path that was never going to be easy. That doesn't mean that it wasn't, isn't or won't be right. Give it a little more time."






You have no idea how much better I feel after reading this.

i disappearing for awhile.

I'm sitting here with my shirt over my knees, heart beating over my thoughts. it's so loud. This silence is screaming at me so loudly it makes my ears burn. friends. nothing more. I'm trying so hard not to freak the fuck out. I haven't been alone in so long, I can't do it. sober; alone. IT FUCKING HURTS. I'm just one huge mess. out of control. Confused. Indifferent. I can never explain my thoughts the way I used to. it might be a good thing because I'm not as dark as I was then. I'm in a different place. I'm just not sure yet it it's actually a better place. I did this, I know. chock it up to immaturity, fear, alcohol, hormones, imbalance, loneliness and insecurity? I think these nightmares filled with my demons are starting to show themselves for what they really are. and to be frank, I'm terrified. then again there are 6 billion people in the world? who the fuck are you? who the fuck am I? NOBODY. I intend to change that. someone god please save me from myself. I want love and responsibility I truly do. face your fears? here's to nothing. I have gotten pretty good, sometimes I catch myself believing I'm content or happy. Possibly getting what I want? HA. I've still got hope at least.

You’re everywhere. in everything. References. Thoughts. Memories. This wouldn't be easy. That would be far too convenient. Either way I feel like dying.
I know what I want. I also know I have no chance of having any of it.

why am I so fucked up?

someone please explain this to me.
I want to be honest
I want to be sober
I want to be happy

18 years later and I still pray you will remember.
you never do.
me being fucked isn't your fault
how could it be?
I don't blame you.
I despise you.

These girls are ridiculous. It's one thing to state your opinion about someone, but another to completely bash another human being that you know absolutely nothing about. You say you have better things to do with your time than to worry about other people.....yet you continue to gossip about a situation that could have been prevented all together if you would have kept your mouth shut.

Please don't get me wrong, I can talk some shit..but never about someone who I have never had any form of a relationship with and anyone who has never negatively affected me...
Don't talk about my best friend, who has been has through more in her 17 years on earth than you'll probably ever have to deal with in your life. You talk about how you're doing so well with your life, and how your big and mighty because you're still in school..going to college..etc...BIG FUCKING DEAL. Obviously, that's not enough to satisfy you, because you still have to talk about others to make yourself feel better.

Hannah,

I understand exactly how you feel, things I write sometimes are usaully never a real refelction of the way I feel long term, but simply me getting my thoughts out and not letting them fill inside me. Venting on here always helps me.


I'm glad we're on good terms, regardless of our past.
We should hang out sometime soon.

I got my scars right here

I truly miss my ability to explain myself and feelings.

For the sake of my insanity here's my best shot.

try. try. try.
fail. fail. fail.
I'm not a back burner kind of gal.
"never hated to love like this"
let me stop you there. love the IDEA, not the person.
I don't love you.
I wonder sometimes if I am capable of this emotion.
or perhaps I am too capable?
I ask myself the same questions you ask.
why do I care?
Because he made me feel like i was floating,
like i didn't have to think, worry, anything, just keep on that smile.

I'm losing you.
I sense it in your hugs.
Not the drug induced ones.
The distant look you have.
I'm bowing out.
The heart is yours, but I'm keeping the scar.


No more lies.
I am not bulletproof.
Ever notice how you put your hand on your face,
and you don't really feel it, it's just there.
but when he does, you feel everything.
You feel the smallest movement.
You feel it in every cell.
That tingle.
It makes a difference.
It's the most wonderful thing.

I can't see the light
from this hole you have dug
remember how to fight?

work on improving yourself before you tell me
or anyone else, on this planet
what is so deeply wrong with them.
you will never reach that personal perfection before you die,
so shut the fuck up and try your best to.

my eyes won't shut,
my breath won't start,
my heart won't slow,
sleep won't come.
don't flatter yourself, your not this important.

well baby here's all you asked for and more.
Expectations are terrible things, second only to assumptions in their ability to confuse and disappoint.

Petty shit

Oh God, here we go again.
You're my first and you're starting to feel like my last.
I've never hated someone and loved someone so much at the same time.
This is dangerous.

Ansleigh;

I'm so sorry.You don't deserve this baby girl...as much as you've been through.
You're strong, so I know you'll be just fine.
I love you.

And Dyls, I love you too...
Everything will be okay soon enough.

Happy early birthday Keenyn

I love you. I wish I could call you.

"When you were three years old, you had a pair of shoes. Where are they now? Why can't you find them and why don't they still fit you? I only ask to illustrate an important point. Sooner or later, in life, we grow out of things. They may once have had great importance but they are no longer relevant. Just as you will never be able to wear those shoes again, there are ideas that you can no longer take seriously and relationships that no longer mean what they once meant. Growth is always something to be glad of. "


This made me feel 10000000x better. 

Last night was embarrassing.

I throw up to much, in front of too many people.

Naiseyi better like her some Eiji...

Finally..

finally got my license.
finally got accepted into a school I want to go to.
finally going on vacation with someone who doesn't get on my last nerve.

Today was a lot better. Two shots in the ass later.
I'm still blowing chunks like no tomorrow.
Jordan's funeral is saturday.
I hate everyone.

I'm sick and tired of being strong.
I'm not strong. I'm weaker than i've ever known.

I've never cried as much as I cried today.
I'll miss you forever.
I'll love you forever.

For you, I hope insane and complete pain and discomfort. I hope your life is void of any emotion that conveys any form of good. You're worthless. You're worthless. You're worthless. You're worthless. You're worthless. You're worthless. Your eyes shine so dimly. Kill yourself, save your body the trouble. fuck the way you think you think you know everything. fuck the way you think you think you can accuse. fuck the way you're completely overreaching, overachieving. fuck your bliss, i'd rather see you crash. fuck the free world, you can't make something out of nothing. freedom isn't real, free-will is an impossibility. take a look around. you will never understand how it feels to be anchored to everything you hate. i want to stab you in the back over, and over, and over, and over, and over. you're an impossibility. you're unappreciative. you're selfish and uninteresting. you take what you can't have. you take until there's nothing left. i hope you see the life you're leading is disgusting. you're scum. You failed. I'll never set myself up again.

I love having these periods of irrational anger, when everything is working out perfectly in my favor.

I'm starting to loose the respect, if any, that I still have for you.
I hope you like your friends.

Sitting in your apartment isn't the same..
I don't have those thick emotions for you that I had just days before.
I don't get those heavy butterflies anymore.
It's all expected I suppose.
I run away from good things.
You're just another escape.
cliche as it fucking sounds...my heart is telling me one thing;
while my heads telling to fucking run and never look back.

The way I see it

Girls get screwed
they're always on the short end of things

The way things work, guys feel great,
but make girls feel cheap doing
what the beg for.

the way they get to play the fuck outta you,
all the while claiming they love you and
making you believe it's true.

the way it's okay to gift their heart one day,
and to gift a back hand the next,
to move on the apricot when the peach
brushes and bruises.

These things make me believe,
believe "God" is a man after all.

I don't believe in anything.
I don't believe in anyone.
Have you ever felt so completely consumed by yourself that you've taken another form, you've become another person? Is it normal to want to die? To want nothing to do with the life you live, or the people in it? I'm beginning to realize the wasted energy I've put into all of you heartless, fucking disgusting people. You've raped all the good. You're not the victim anymore. You're the target.


and

my deep hatred for my "extended" (but not so extended family member) cousin has been fueled by her cowardice words and cowardice ways of coping. i must say, if you are addicted to drugs, DICK being the key word in addicted, i sure hope it's cocaine. i'd love to see that white on white contact and your glazed over grey eyes. you're a fucking failure and a fucking whore.

Your constant craving for attension disgusts me.
I need space.
I've played every moment of my recollection through my mind,
50 times at least.
There's a million things I could have done differently,
but the same goes for you as well
I know I'm flawed
I also know you weren't ready
but you weren't pushed
just as I wasn't pulled
every minute spent was a choice
we just made different ones
so at this moment my choice is
I won't let you affect me again
last time my heart beats out of my chest
last time my stomach turns in knots
last time you make me physically sick
last time I feel anger for what I don't understand
last time, last time, last time.
I hope your statements was satisfying
because I am no longer concerned with what you have to say.

This rush of self medication works, but living in a blur is fleeting. It's been quite the trial and error process with you. Love drained, hate filled, drug induced..teenage dirt bag. All that remains is a hidden secret..writing words that only you can translate. Obvious only in the painful throbbing of a bass line or the grass or faint tears nobody can see because you're wearing dark glasses. You don't fuel the lighter-only the fire. Sorrows drown before they make into a conversation. we don't talk about the cause- only rebel against it...at last relishing the freedom from the memories we so despise. the only fiction is the silence, the blank spaces on pages where certain confessions are not told. that is all part of the freedom. in silence the despair is put on mute, strangled to insignificance. and yet the silence is what cuts us the deepest. you break me when you say those things. Still, I believe we did with passion what we so desired-we felt thing so deeply. ..but it wasn't enough. Nothing is ever enough, for me. I'll send the bad memories under. I try to run away again, to somewhere better, for some thing higher.

complete loneliness
complete annihilation
i want to kill everything
i want to destroy every single thing
where the hell have i gone?
where the hell are we now?
lets run to the other side of the highway
why don't you stop along the way
a flash of light
a flash of life
im completely miserable, at best
but at worst, i'm a god damn sunrise
keep me sane, golden. keep me sane, golden.
i can't leave you alone and i can't handle myself.

i don't believe in anything
how can the world keep spinning when love is gone?
how can the one you love stop loving and turn to stone?
recklessly loving... recklessly living.

i want to pull my hair out. i want to rip at my skin. i want to tear out my heart. i want to be less confused, more aware, less doped up. but bad habits are hard to beat and new habits are making me worn. do it. do it for the world. because the world is so beautiful, and what you're doing is so fucking ugly. you're ugly, and you need to grow up. grow the fuck up and be fucking beautiful. im begging you, stop hiding behind your demons.

Quit lying to yourself. You will never amount to anything. It is easier to pity than to become something ugly. Religion is faith. Faith means more than believe. Black and white, there is no in-between. What color can you create when you have an absence of color? God.

I want to believe you. I want to care.

who am i?
who the fuck am i?
i need inspiration.
i need safety.
i need sanity.
i hate it when i get like this, so down... the world is just so big. there's too much. and i'm just one part of it. i'm just a part. i'm apart. and i'm falling apart. i need guidance. and i need stability. and i need someone who understands. and i need a reason to kick myself when i'm down instead of just falling to my knees begging for it to be quick, painless, merciless. i'm at the end of this fucking rope. i'm dangling. and all i have left is the shoes on my feet and the one thing inside me saying "you will become. you will inspire. you will be safe. you are sane." but i can't keep the "what ifs" out of my mind.

I have honestly never quite understood ones ability to totally throw away their own opinions/beliefs to agree with another just for acceptance. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for everything. I have truly reached the point to where I do not care what anyone thinks, but the living day to day with the recurring issues has gotten quite old. I want to look at you and tell you up front, you are wrong. You act smug as if you have this power or respect you have not earned and certainly do not deserve. You brag about your conquests then break others down for theirs, or lack there of. I'm truly sorry you are not capable of a selfless emotion but that does not give you a right to attempt to ruin a good thing. Jealousy is an ugly thing, and it makes you an ugly person. The confusing part of these situations has always been, why do you care so much about the life I live? Nothing I am doing directly affects you. Don't get me wrong you are entitled, if capable, to have your opinions, rather I agree with them or not. Chances are if they are negative, I probably won't. But you cross a line when you feel the need to express these opinions repeatedly, not only to me, but to anyone you come in contact with. I can't even begin to count how many times I've met someone who disliked me before ever even coming into contact with me, which is fine as well because honestly I don't want followers in my life anyway. I want people who stand their ground, respect and defend themselves, and don't let others influence and control their lives. People who will bring positivity to my life. I've been put in so many situations lately where I can not be myself for fear of upsetting the ones I care about. I've tried to be respectful and take the high road because I know all you want is a reaction from me, but everyone reaches a point where they must put their foot down. I recently realized that maturity is simply the ability to tolerate more, and well I'm sure there will be another chance for me to be mature. Because honestly I'm putting myself through unnecessary aggravation for people I couldn't care less if I ever spoke to again. I assure you, that is going to change. One, among many, differences between us is that I don't care what you think, how you feel or what you do, until it affects me. Another is I do not get involved in everyone's lives because I'm too busy living my own. The biggest mistake you have made yet is believing you are irreplaceable or anything special. And of course thinking karma isn't going to kick you in the ass. But I'm done venting for now. brave new world is calling my name.

in full force, stunning, bright... blinding. and in this darkness, or light, i can only feel beauty of magnificent force... a beauty more revealing than a spectrum of jealousy flowing overhead. the way we see, the way we feel, it's unreal, it's magic. pixie dust and moonshine break the dull of day. and when the darkness overcomes... sit in your corner, taste the bitterness of your hopes, write me a song... and lull yourself to sleep. you will never break. you will always understand.

i hope you know you're not impressing anyone..making anyone envious. I'd rather not lay my life on the line for one second of glory, one minute of hatred, one hour of fucking insanity. I'd rather bask in the glorious life I've learned to call my own. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. i would never pity myself to the extreme. i would never put myself or others down in such a sarcastic, mindless way. if you're going to be a sow, do it right. i hope when you lay down to sleep, you realize you are scum of the earth. you are everything i hate. i will NEVER forgive you for what you've done. you've forgotten... and that's the worst thing you can do... you don't forget the people that care. but i don't care anymore. forget me. you're fucking worthless. screaming. ripping. pulling. bleeding. dying. I've kept my mouth shut for too long. I'm sick, I'm so fucking sick and tired. hearing your name is like hearing nails on a chalkboard.. over and over and over and over again. I'd like to rip your heart from your body and dangle it out of reach. i want to kick your knees out so you can beg and plead and just be pathetic the rest of your fucking days. stubbornness is disgusting. ignorance is disgusting. stupidity is disgusting. when you have the ability to learn and explore, yet you can't get your head out of your own ass for five minutes.. you're fucking.. there's no word for it. no longer do i want to crawl in a hole and die, but i want YOU to crawl in a hole. i want YOU to be tortured to near death. i want YOU to die the most miserable and isolated death in all history. i want you to starve so badly, you have to eat your own flesh. i want you to fall down a mountain-top to stop the pain, but only get broken. i want you to fucking give up. i want to see you die. i want to see you fucking killed. i want to murder what's left of you. Fuck you, in every sense of the phrase.




I have split personality. Swear to fucking God above.

You're a disgusting person with a meaningless life. You see through rose-colored glasses. I'd love to rip your face apart. Stomp on your fucking ribs. Tear your lungs out. Tear your everything out and feed them to my children. Don't judge me when you've never held a conversation with me. Don't pretend you don't know what they say, because you do. You're as fucking wrong as the people I held my trust with. And none of you deserve the light of day. I hold my head high and say fuck the world. Because you'll never be on my level and you will never understand me. I'm completely happy with myself. I'm completely happy and i pity you. why do i always feel so alone. i'm always alone. i'm always different. i'm never understood. i'm always distant. i'm never in the right place at the right time. i say the wrong things. i say everything so fucking wrong. i don't mean it... i really... i don't mean it. i love people so much and i love what people have. but i can't stand feeling like i'm the only person standing on this earth... i'm tired of letting everything pass me by. i have so much potential. i can do anything, i can be anything. but i can't get over all the people who have let me down. i think if i encounter one person who lets me down, everyone else will do the same. i need to let my guard down. i need to be free. i need to be free. i need to be free. i don't feel like i have anything. i want to take all the things i own and just burn them. just tear myself to pieces. just to prove i am someone. but i know i am someone, i know i am... i can feel. i can see. i can hear. i am alive... but somehow... i can't get that nagging, aching feeling out of my chest that keeps saying i'm dead. i will no longer push people to think as i do. fuck the world. all i care about is generally, myself, and those who have, and will never leave me. it's not my fault i understand who i am, the laws of the world, and the idea of societal destruction. i am alone. i will always be alone. and i will always be feared. its not like i want it, but i see no point in letting people in.

off my head, laying in bed, the time flickering by slower than I'd like. Feeling sad and mad, if at all possible. Wired for a bit in a blur of emotions, then sadder than before. pulled down by my overwhelming gravity. Walk into the bathroom, only to see my reflection..pale and strung out. Already taken, already used. I can't feel anything. Sometimes I lay awake wishing things were different, wanting you. But also knowing I'm only using you, like one more cheap thrill, like these god for saken drugs. Breaks me to know I value you so low, value myself even lower. I'm blissfully unaware of my life crumbling but I'm moving further away, caring less, everyday, losing sight, loosing mind, loosing will. It's exhausting. Brandon helps. Sometimes. Tonight I went to another one of his shindigz, sad to say i actually had fun. I like Brandon's smile. I liked his hands around my waist, even if I didn't like him. The night passed subtly, i don't remember anything anyone said to me...it all sparkled effortlessly. I remember seeing people I knew, but not having the energy to say hello. Heart to hearts? Sitting on the balcony, the right night for the wrong company..hoping those cigarettes would save us. I don't know what I want, never really have. I have something perfect, someone perfect, right in front of me..and I don't want it.