off my head, laying in bed, the time flickering by slower than I'd like. Feeling sad and mad, if at all possible. Wired for a bit in a blur of emotions, then sadder than before. pulled down by my overwhelming gravity. Walk into the bathroom, only to see my reflection..pale and strung out. Already taken, already used. I can't feel anything. Sometimes I lay awake wishing things were different, wanting you. But also knowing I'm only using you, like one more cheap thrill, like these god for saken drugs. Breaks me to know I value you so low, value myself even lower. I'm blissfully unaware of my life crumbling but I'm moving further away, caring less, everyday, losing sight, loosing mind, loosing will. It's exhausting. Brandon helps. Sometimes. Tonight I went to another one of his shindigz, sad to say i actually had fun. I like Brandon's smile. I liked his hands around my waist, even if I didn't like him. The night passed subtly, i don't remember anything anyone said to me...it all sparkled effortlessly. I remember seeing people I knew, but not having the energy to say hello. Heart to hearts? Sitting on the balcony, the right night for the wrong company..hoping those cigarettes would save us. I don't know what I want, never really have. I have something perfect, someone perfect, right in front of me..and I don't want it.