complete loneliness
complete annihilation
i want to kill everything
i want to destroy every single thing
where the hell have i gone?
where the hell are we now?
lets run to the other side of the highway
why don't you stop along the way
a flash of light
a flash of life
im completely miserable, at best
but at worst, i'm a god damn sunrise
keep me sane, golden. keep me sane, golden.
i can't leave you alone and i can't handle myself.

i don't believe in anything
how can the world keep spinning when love is gone?
how can the one you love stop loving and turn to stone?
recklessly loving... recklessly living.

i want to pull my hair out. i want to rip at my skin. i want to tear out my heart. i want to be less confused, more aware, less doped up. but bad habits are hard to beat and new habits are making me worn. do it. do it for the world. because the world is so beautiful, and what you're doing is so fucking ugly. you're ugly, and you need to grow up. grow the fuck up and be fucking beautiful. im begging you, stop hiding behind your demons.

Quit lying to yourself. You will never amount to anything. It is easier to pity than to become something ugly. Religion is faith. Faith means more than believe. Black and white, there is no in-between. What color can you create when you have an absence of color? God.

I want to believe you. I want to care.

who am i?
who the fuck am i?
i need inspiration.
i need safety.
i need sanity.
i hate it when i get like this, so down... the world is just so big. there's too much. and i'm just one part of it. i'm just a part. i'm apart. and i'm falling apart. i need guidance. and i need stability. and i need someone who understands. and i need a reason to kick myself when i'm down instead of just falling to my knees begging for it to be quick, painless, merciless. i'm at the end of this fucking rope. i'm dangling. and all i have left is the shoes on my feet and the one thing inside me saying "you will become. you will inspire. you will be safe. you are sane." but i can't keep the "what ifs" out of my mind.

I have honestly never quite understood ones ability to totally throw away their own opinions/beliefs to agree with another just for acceptance. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for everything. I have truly reached the point to where I do not care what anyone thinks, but the living day to day with the recurring issues has gotten quite old. I want to look at you and tell you up front, you are wrong. You act smug as if you have this power or respect you have not earned and certainly do not deserve. You brag about your conquests then break others down for theirs, or lack there of. I'm truly sorry you are not capable of a selfless emotion but that does not give you a right to attempt to ruin a good thing. Jealousy is an ugly thing, and it makes you an ugly person. The confusing part of these situations has always been, why do you care so much about the life I live? Nothing I am doing directly affects you. Don't get me wrong you are entitled, if capable, to have your opinions, rather I agree with them or not. Chances are if they are negative, I probably won't. But you cross a line when you feel the need to express these opinions repeatedly, not only to me, but to anyone you come in contact with. I can't even begin to count how many times I've met someone who disliked me before ever even coming into contact with me, which is fine as well because honestly I don't want followers in my life anyway. I want people who stand their ground, respect and defend themselves, and don't let others influence and control their lives. People who will bring positivity to my life. I've been put in so many situations lately where I can not be myself for fear of upsetting the ones I care about. I've tried to be respectful and take the high road because I know all you want is a reaction from me, but everyone reaches a point where they must put their foot down. I recently realized that maturity is simply the ability to tolerate more, and well I'm sure there will be another chance for me to be mature. Because honestly I'm putting myself through unnecessary aggravation for people I couldn't care less if I ever spoke to again. I assure you, that is going to change. One, among many, differences between us is that I don't care what you think, how you feel or what you do, until it affects me. Another is I do not get involved in everyone's lives because I'm too busy living my own. The biggest mistake you have made yet is believing you are irreplaceable or anything special. And of course thinking karma isn't going to kick you in the ass. But I'm done venting for now. brave new world is calling my name.

in full force, stunning, bright... blinding. and in this darkness, or light, i can only feel beauty of magnificent force... a beauty more revealing than a spectrum of jealousy flowing overhead. the way we see, the way we feel, it's unreal, it's magic. pixie dust and moonshine break the dull of day. and when the darkness overcomes... sit in your corner, taste the bitterness of your hopes, write me a song... and lull yourself to sleep. you will never break. you will always understand.

i hope you know you're not impressing anyone..making anyone envious. I'd rather not lay my life on the line for one second of glory, one minute of hatred, one hour of fucking insanity. I'd rather bask in the glorious life I've learned to call my own. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. i would never pity myself to the extreme. i would never put myself or others down in such a sarcastic, mindless way. if you're going to be a sow, do it right. i hope when you lay down to sleep, you realize you are scum of the earth. you are everything i hate. i will NEVER forgive you for what you've done. you've forgotten... and that's the worst thing you can do... you don't forget the people that care. but i don't care anymore. forget me. you're fucking worthless. screaming. ripping. pulling. bleeding. dying. I've kept my mouth shut for too long. I'm sick, I'm so fucking sick and tired. hearing your name is like hearing nails on a chalkboard.. over and over and over and over again. I'd like to rip your heart from your body and dangle it out of reach. i want to kick your knees out so you can beg and plead and just be pathetic the rest of your fucking days. stubbornness is disgusting. ignorance is disgusting. stupidity is disgusting. when you have the ability to learn and explore, yet you can't get your head out of your own ass for five minutes.. you're fucking.. there's no word for it. no longer do i want to crawl in a hole and die, but i want YOU to crawl in a hole. i want YOU to be tortured to near death. i want YOU to die the most miserable and isolated death in all history. i want you to starve so badly, you have to eat your own flesh. i want you to fall down a mountain-top to stop the pain, but only get broken. i want you to fucking give up. i want to see you die. i want to see you fucking killed. i want to murder what's left of you. Fuck you, in every sense of the phrase.




I have split personality. Swear to fucking God above.

You're a disgusting person with a meaningless life. You see through rose-colored glasses. I'd love to rip your face apart. Stomp on your fucking ribs. Tear your lungs out. Tear your everything out and feed them to my children. Don't judge me when you've never held a conversation with me. Don't pretend you don't know what they say, because you do. You're as fucking wrong as the people I held my trust with. And none of you deserve the light of day. I hold my head high and say fuck the world. Because you'll never be on my level and you will never understand me. I'm completely happy with myself. I'm completely happy and i pity you. why do i always feel so alone. i'm always alone. i'm always different. i'm never understood. i'm always distant. i'm never in the right place at the right time. i say the wrong things. i say everything so fucking wrong. i don't mean it... i really... i don't mean it. i love people so much and i love what people have. but i can't stand feeling like i'm the only person standing on this earth... i'm tired of letting everything pass me by. i have so much potential. i can do anything, i can be anything. but i can't get over all the people who have let me down. i think if i encounter one person who lets me down, everyone else will do the same. i need to let my guard down. i need to be free. i need to be free. i need to be free. i don't feel like i have anything. i want to take all the things i own and just burn them. just tear myself to pieces. just to prove i am someone. but i know i am someone, i know i am... i can feel. i can see. i can hear. i am alive... but somehow... i can't get that nagging, aching feeling out of my chest that keeps saying i'm dead. i will no longer push people to think as i do. fuck the world. all i care about is generally, myself, and those who have, and will never leave me. it's not my fault i understand who i am, the laws of the world, and the idea of societal destruction. i am alone. i will always be alone. and i will always be feared. its not like i want it, but i see no point in letting people in.

off my head, laying in bed, the time flickering by slower than I'd like. Feeling sad and mad, if at all possible. Wired for a bit in a blur of emotions, then sadder than before. pulled down by my overwhelming gravity. Walk into the bathroom, only to see my reflection..pale and strung out. Already taken, already used. I can't feel anything. Sometimes I lay awake wishing things were different, wanting you. But also knowing I'm only using you, like one more cheap thrill, like these god for saken drugs. Breaks me to know I value you so low, value myself even lower. I'm blissfully unaware of my life crumbling but I'm moving further away, caring less, everyday, losing sight, loosing mind, loosing will. It's exhausting. Brandon helps. Sometimes. Tonight I went to another one of his shindigz, sad to say i actually had fun. I like Brandon's smile. I liked his hands around my waist, even if I didn't like him. The night passed subtly, i don't remember anything anyone said to me...it all sparkled effortlessly. I remember seeing people I knew, but not having the energy to say hello. Heart to hearts? Sitting on the balcony, the right night for the wrong company..hoping those cigarettes would save us. I don't know what I want, never really have. I have something perfect, someone perfect, right in front of me..and I don't want it.