I hate the way you stare, blankly at me. I hate the way you smile at me. I hate your dimples, and i hate your eyes. I hate your uneasiness towards life. I hate how you’re do damn difficult. I hate that I spoil you, but i hate that you made promises to do so back, but all I got was this stupid t-shirt. I hate that you want to want me, but you don’t want me like i want you. i hate your fucking hands and the way our fingers fit like puzzle pieces… the kind that don’t match… that look like they do. i hate your small talk and how you never REALLY have anything to say. I hate being number two when things aren’t difficult, but number one when everything is going to pieces. I hate being the only one that really knows what you want out of life, but what i hate even more is that i hate that you don’t know why i’m saying all these thoughtless, cruel things. i hate everything about you, especially your fucking arms. They reach and pull, but never towards me, and that’s something that i just can’t bare.

it’s meaningless. what are we here for? life isn’t a fucking journey, it’s a constant fucking battle, a constant search for right and wrong. How can it suddenly be wrong to do the things that make us what we are? if we kill, we are evil. if we save, we are heroes. if we use drugs, we are useless. if we are scholars, we are brilliant. but what am i? i could kill, i could save, i could be useless, i am brilliant. what makes me any different from the murderers? nothing. nothing sets us apart. we are all the same. we are all the same. but we are all murderers. we all kill ourselves searching. we all lose balance and fall face first into the mountainside, stumbling to a halt at the rocky bottom. hell. we’re all searching. we’re all losing. we’re all faceless. i don’t have an identity. i just am. i see, i feel, but i don’t know because i’m afraid. i’m afraid of every single thing. i’m afraid of what i don’t know. we’re here to experience, but how can you experience anything if all you’ve ever felt is numb? i can’t shake this feeling. i’m guilty, i’m angry, i’m useless, i’m a coward, i’m nothing, i’m fucking nothing! i’ll never be anything, why am i trying? why do i try so hard? why am i so lifeless, dull, drained? i’m so young! i’m too young! i’m too young to die! i’m so fucking tired. i’m so fucking tired of pulling my hair out over this. i’m so tired of sleepless nights. i’m so tired of tossing and turning and dreaming of nothing. i’m so tired of never being able to pull myself out of a dream because it’s so exhuberant. i’m so tired of working hard and getting nothing in turn. i’m tired of being lonely, surrounded by people, but still so fucking alone. i’m always so fucking alone. i’m always so fucking alone! i never fail at failing. i never fail at falling. i just want to give up.

I am fucking screaming. My lungs are bursting. My throat cannot contain itself. I have a knot in my stomach the size of my head. I am right in your face, right on the edge, yet you can’t hear me. You are deaf to everything. You don’t listen. You don’t understand. Nor, do you care to understand. You pretend everything is fine. You pretend I can’t hear you. You pretend I can’t see you. How do the ones we love kill us? How are we so naive to the truth? How do we hold on so long, with every ounce of energy, with every gleam of hope- - -only to be crushed, destroyed in seconds? I just love how no matter what I do, how much I accomplish, you can ruin it. You make me stronger. You break me down, and I build myself back up. I have good people in my life that help. But my motto lately seems to be, I need no one. I stand by this still. I will prove it. I will graduate with good grades, make hope…go to college. I will get the money to move out. I will do what it takes. Like I always do. I have been busting my ass for a year straight now, one way or another. Why stop now? I won’t cry. I won’t break. I won’t cry. I will smile through this rush of nerves that hits my throat. I’ll puke before I cry. Why couldn’t you just be proud? Happy for me? Anything? There is always something negative hidden in your tone. You know it. Admit it. I feel like you resent me? Could I be wrong? possibly. why should you? I do my best, which is better than most. I go above and beyond for anyone. And when I need them, they are no where to be found. And as for you.. boo fucking hoo your going through something? Aren’t you always? Well now I am, and I would like to talk, hear some words of encouragement. But, where are you?

I’d found I like distractions, intimidating boys with their slutty girlfriends and Marlboro Reds, a hell of a lot of tension and the air thick with tobacco. It was fun, that rare time when i forgot all about my sad stories and mishaps and simply smiled; intimidated and intimidating, and nothing else crossed my mind. Already taken, already used. But I don’t know how else to live, think, dream…I’m dropping. When I’m there, I’m ecstatic, blissfully unaware of my life crumbling, but I’m losing mind, losing will. I’m caught in this loop. It exhausts me. I feel I’ve lived a thousand lives, been through heaven and hell a million times, and it seems not to matter. I cannot grasp anymore what it is i’m supposed to do, what I could possibly do withing this blur that would matter.

completely medicated. completely serene. completely destroyed. completely hated. completely intolerable. completely different. completely insane. completely complete.

I want to pull my hair out. I want to rip at my skin. I want to be less confused, more aware, less doped up. but bad habits are hard to beat and new habits are making me worn. The world is so beautiful, and what you’re doing is so fucking ugly. You’re ugly, and you need to grow up. Grow the fuck up and be fucking beautiful. I’m begging you.

I’m beginning to believe i am the only person annoyed by everything. i’m hungry, i’m tired. i have deep psychological issues. it’s normal…

Quit wasting my fucking time. Quit taking sides. Quit being so fucking ignorant, so fucking weak. Your weakness? Pity, self-hatred. Quit being so fake. Quit living for the past. just, quit living. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody will ever fucking care. Ignorance at its highest form - teenager. I would never stoop to your fucking level. I would never allow myself to give up so easily, to stop trying, to put all my faith and heart into people. Don’t get me wrong - i love people, but i’d never fucking manipulate them… get them to pity me… in order to make myself feel fucking better.

why do i always feel so alone. I’m always alone. I’m always different. I’m never understood. I’m always distant. I’m never in the right place at the right time. i say the wrong things. i say everything so fucking wrong. i don’t mean it… i really… i don’t mean it. i love people so much and i love what people have. but i can’t stand feeling like i’m the only person standing on this earth… i’m tired of letting everything pass me by. i have so much potential. i can do anything, i can be anything. but i can’t get over all the people who have let me down. i think if i encounter one person who lets me down, everyone else will do the same. i need to let my guard down. i need to be free. i need to be free. i need to be free. i don’t feel like i have anything. i want to take all the things i own and just burn them. just tear myself to pieces. just to prove i am someone. but i know i am someone. what the fuck is wrong with me? one minute, i’m fine… the next i’m a mess. one minute, i’m worthless and the next, i’m a god. i hate this. i hate this. i hate living knowing something is wrong. i hate living knowing it’s just me and it’s just my stupid fucking emotions and my worthless opinions and my own self-lows coming through.