I’d found I like distractions, intimidating boys with their slutty girlfriends and Marlboro Reds, a hell of a lot of tension and the air thick with tobacco. It was fun, that rare time when i forgot all about my sad stories and mishaps and simply smiled; intimidated and intimidating, and nothing else crossed my mind. Already taken, already used. But I don’t know how else to live, think, dream…I’m dropping. When I’m there, I’m ecstatic, blissfully unaware of my life crumbling, but I’m losing mind, losing will. I’m caught in this loop. It exhausts me. I feel I’ve lived a thousand lives, been through heaven and hell a million times, and it seems not to matter. I cannot grasp anymore what it is i’m supposed to do, what I could possibly do withing this blur that would matter.