Nobody's trying to impress you. Get the fuck over yourself. You aren't shit to anybody, but yourself. I Can't afford to be compassionate. If I allow myself to feel sorry for you, I'll just end up giving more than I can spare.

Lowest of the lows? I guess hitting bottom means you can only go up right? Realization. That positive ignorant, unrealistic outlook I've acquired within the last few days has suddenly vanished. Short period of denial. But ya' know, good ol' pessimistic Caylee is back in full swing. I'm in such a lonely place right now, surrounded by people. Venting to the people I call friends isn't the easiest thing, nobody would actually take in what I'm saying; accept or understand the lack of energy I have for life in general, believe me that I feel this is a permanent state of being in which I can't stand to bare any longer. I'm beginning to hate everyone in my life slowly but surely, and I've never dared to make such a broad statement.  I think I'm done with the internet for a while. Fuck off if anyone even reads this God for saken thing.

And the times I need a friend more than ever...nobody is to be found. Not to say I'm not grateful for the amazing people (I could count on one hand) that I do care for here, but I'm really praying to God I meet somebody worth something when I go to school. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish Keenyn still lived in Dunwoody, because my apartment is literally down the street from his old one. Shit sucks to think about all the good memories we could have possibly shared.

My fucking heart was just ripped out of my body. Thank you, asshole.


If absence truly makes the heart grow fonder, the secret of a happy heart is clear. I guess I'll keep well away. Maybe you'll learn to appreciate me. Even if this relationship has already sailed beyond the realm of romance into the marsh of mundanity, memory is a fickle thing. What once seemed to sparkle seductive, is unforgettably grim. I wouldn't dare say nothing every works in my favor, but nothing in this department. I'm always making excuses as to why things don't work out, or what I could change about a person if I had the God given ability...but truthfully it's myself i need to work on. 

I wish I could tell you how I feel.

I had lunch with my Father today, who was in town for "business," but I didn't ask any questions. The usual: "How are you?" "Fine." I avert my eyes because i'm not really "fine" at all. I feel bad for him. He's so clueless that he doesn't know or care to understand why his own daughter, his own flesh and blood doesn't love him anymore. He's missing, never really around I suppose, physically or mentally. You can't love someone who's not there, but perhaps I'm never really there either. I didn't say anything confrontational today though. I'll do what I always do; answer him politely and try to be the daughter he wants me to be, I know I don't really match the bland ideal. There's too much turmoil burning me up for that but I can easily act like the sweet little four year old that he left to rot. I'm humoring him, because the whole situation is too far gone change anything now. I've cried too many bullshit tears to try to patch up the bullshit man that sat in front of me.

After going through hell and back to find buy a blunt, I'm sitting here taking hit after hit...thinking I should smoke the entire dutch..regardless of the fact that I planed to save it for tomorrow. Another hit, chase another oblivion. My head hurts, and I'm starting to feel sad again. The memories are returning..having you in my life is shit. How did i come here? There's nothing I want, no higher desire. There's nothing to chase, and no where to escape. Always chasing, never satisfied, in every oblivion and in every dream of everyday. The potential for fulfillment outweighs the risk of disappointment.

I have three fucking roommates. THREE. Not one, not two, THREE. God knows what they're like. I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible about this whole thing, but I can't help to think of the worst. And now I'm gunna have to come home all the time for fucking community service. It's just a lot to deal with. I'll deal with it though, like everything else I'm forced to deal with. Like I deal with the shit you put me through. 


It's like I always want the best for the people I love the most. Unless, that is, I begin to suspect that what is best for them is to have a taste of second-best for a while. You're becoming too presumptuous. I'm starting to feel taken for granted. Boys will be boys I suppose. I've never been one to work out differences that I don't deem important. Maybe that's my problem. 

Don't think that I'm pushing you away, when you're the one who I've kept closest.

I'm dreading next Thursday. I'll get through it though. 

When something makes me feel sad, I really ought to feel glad. Sources of sorrow lead to wise choices that can only bring me greater strength and happiness. Unless, that is, they are allowed to turn into sources of resentments. It is only when I feel bitter that I begin to make mistakes. It is essential that I extend kind thoughts and feelings towards all the people and situations that may have contributed towards a sense of discomfort and disappointment. The more I do that, the happier I will be.

but 14 bitch? Really? Really? 

Love you more than those bitches before.

Stop assuming everything I do revolves around you.

More nights like the last please. My head hurts though. Glad I finally got that off my chest, even if it did take a couple drinks. You're pretty perfect, for now at least.

I keep telling myself i'm leaving soon but it's not soon enough.

I'm not sure why it pisses me off so much that you're such a shitty person. It's not me. Maybe it's the fact that you act so innocent and play both sides of everything, yet you say you stand for what you believe in. Maybe?

If you're going crazy, grab me and take me.

I hang on to things that I ought to let go of. I let go of things that I ought to keep. The 'letting go' bit is not such a problem. If things are really meant to be for me, they'll come back to me. It's the 'hanging on' bit that I need to be wary of. I must be especially wary of clinging too tightly to anger. Resentment. Suspicion. Disappointment. Lust.  I shouldn't ask now whether someone deserves to be forgiven, ask whether I deserve the pain of keeping a bad feeling alive.

I’m not anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I’m special to them but I know there’s someone they will always choose over me

"I wanted you to fuck me, but then I got greedy and wanted you to love me."

I have the weirdest fucking dreams, it creeps me out that my subconscious thoughts are that strange.

You deserve someone stable, and I can't be that for you.

My hands are searching for you.
My arms are outstretched towards you.
I feel you on my fingertips.
My tongue dances behind my lips for you.
This fire rising through my being.
Burning; I'm not used to seeing you

Love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not falling in love; I'm just falling to pieces.

I've had a really good last couple of days. Going to the lake, watching fight club, drinking whiskey, getting sunburn, watching fireworks. I need more summer days like this, even though my summer is dwindling away.

Fucking slut.