I saw you today, for the last time in this world. It was absolutely unbearable, and now I wish i would have never walked up to that casket. You weren't yourself, you were cold, distant, your face was swollen. I would haven't even recognized you; but i could see the peace on your face. And that's the only thing that gave me light, knowing you're out of this fucked up world, and you're were you deserve to be. Everyone's taking it pretty rough, Hunter is in so much pain, he misses you so much, he sat in the corner at the wake last night with his head in his hands sobbing. And you're dad is the strongest man I've ever met, he went around the room consoling everybody, assuring them that you would have been happy to see everyone together, But I'm still not sure what to do with this roller coaster of emotions your death has brought me on, but I think I'm okay. I've excepted that fact that you're gone, but at the same time I'm still hurting not knowing if you hear my prayers, whether or not you know just how much you meant to me, whether you were able to hear my speech today. Maybe one day I'll find the answer to these questions but until then just know I love you with everything I have, Jarrod Lee Howard, you will forever be in my heart and soul, Not a day will go by that I don't look in the sky at think about you.

God gained another angel friday, I just wish it wasn’t Jarrod. I’ll never forget how selfless you were, and always willing to help me you were..no matter what. You were one of my best friends I made in Charleston, and one of the first people to really show me they cared. Night after night, in my shitty little apartment, smoking down with HB and leslie…talking about what we wanted from life, but who knew yours would be taken so soon. It’s such a loss. It's been a while since i've seen you, but now it's gunna be a little bit longer. I know you're still with us, I feel it. I'm hurting now, but I know you're helping me. I kept saying I was going to come visit soon, or I said I call you right back; no i regret more. I regret time wasted, time i took for granted. It's silly, and I know I'll see you again but it fucking hurts. You got called back sooner than expected and we ran out of time we thought we had. My heart’s heavy. i miss you over and over again. in some ways,i wish it was all a sick joke and you were still alive and that you'd be outside my door with that adorable grin on your face, i wish i could tell you just once more how much i fucking love you and how much i miss you. i miss you so much. so so much. sweet dreams. i love you. shine bright for me please? save a spot for me,i’ll see you soon..

I hang on to things that I ought to let go of. I let go of things that I ought to keep. The 'letting go' bit is not such a problem. If things are really meant to be for me, they'll come back to me. It's the 'hanging on' bit that I need to be wary of. I must be especially wary of clinging too tightly to anger. Resentment. Suspicion. Disappointment. Lust.  I shouldn't ask now whether someone deserves to be forgiven, ask whether I deserve the pain of keeping a bad feeling alive. I admit I'm too quick to assume to accept unwelcome impositions. I figure that the more I object, the more painful it is all going to be. I start suffering in silence before I even take time to reflect on whether I actually have to start suffering at all. I don't have to suffer. My life is what I make it. I have my ups and downs, as far as myself...but I'm on track to growing up. Seeing what truly matters. Right? SO why the fuck am i so fucked up? why the actual fuck can't I be the brilliant person i'm suppose to be? Being content? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering. We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. It’s so easy to say I want to change, but so difficult to actually do something about it,. I’m caught in the middle of everything and I can’t ever seem to find my way. I realize so much more each day, I don’t know what to do with it all. I'm the only one to blame. it will always be me. Nothing is permanent. even life. it is all so fleeting. yet knowing this doesn't stop me from being so wrapped up in the trivial things that seem to surround me. my heart is so shut off I'm not even sure if it still beats. or maybe I've silenced the sound to avoid hearing it's unrhythmic pounding. I don't want to feel anymore. Too tired. the sun doesn't shine here anymore. it's lost it's way. all I have to guide me now is the moon. but it's about as reliable as the people in my life. I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. maybe soon I won't. color me committed.