Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago.

In it, you told me to go fuck myself.
I still remember that night.
I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully.
I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.

Two months ago I called you at three A.M.
I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail;
those were two of the things you were best at.
You answered and I felt my heart begin to race;
you probably thought it was because I missed you,
but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer,
and because I really had to pee.
I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused.
It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life.
You told me “fine” and I smiled.
That was the last conversation we had.
I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way.

Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are.
I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately.
If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet. 
You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you.
But that is not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
To make sure that you were happy before myself.
To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now.
And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to.
A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.
A person I loved, yes. 
But it is not six months ago.
It is now, and now I miss you.
I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was.
I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t.
I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories.
And maybe one day things will be different.
Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was.
These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep.
But for right now? 

So how bout you go fuck yourself.

I saw you today, for the last time in this world. It was absolutely unbearable, and now I wish i would have never walked up to that casket. You weren't yourself, you were cold, distant, your face was swollen. I would haven't even recognized you; but i could see the peace on your face. And that's the only thing that gave me light, knowing you're out of this fucked up world, and you're were you deserve to be. Everyone's taking it pretty rough, Hunter is in so much pain, he misses you so much, he sat in the corner at the wake last night with his head in his hands sobbing. And you're dad is the strongest man I've ever met, he went around the room consoling everybody, assuring them that you would have been happy to see everyone together, But I'm still not sure what to do with this roller coaster of emotions your death has brought me on, but I think I'm okay. I've excepted that fact that you're gone, but at the same time I'm still hurting not knowing if you hear my prayers, whether or not you know just how much you meant to me, whether you were able to hear my speech today. Maybe one day I'll find the answer to these questions but until then just know I love you with everything I have, Jarrod Lee Howard, you will forever be in my heart and soul, Not a day will go by that I don't look in the sky at think about you.

God gained another angel friday, I just wish it wasn’t Jarrod. I’ll never forget how selfless you were, and always willing to help me you were..no matter what. You were one of my best friends I made in Charleston, and one of the first people to really show me they cared. Night after night, in my shitty little apartment, smoking down with HB and leslie…talking about what we wanted from life, but who knew yours would be taken so soon. It’s such a loss. It's been a while since i've seen you, but now it's gunna be a little bit longer. I know you're still with us, I feel it. I'm hurting now, but I know you're helping me. I kept saying I was going to come visit soon, or I said I call you right back; no i regret more. I regret time wasted, time i took for granted. It's silly, and I know I'll see you again but it fucking hurts. You got called back sooner than expected and we ran out of time we thought we had. My heart’s heavy. i miss you over and over again. in some ways,i wish it was all a sick joke and you were still alive and that you'd be outside my door with that adorable grin on your face, i wish i could tell you just once more how much i fucking love you and how much i miss you. i miss you so much. so so much. sweet dreams. i love you. shine bright for me please? save a spot for me,i’ll see you soon..

I hang on to things that I ought to let go of. I let go of things that I ought to keep. The 'letting go' bit is not such a problem. If things are really meant to be for me, they'll come back to me. It's the 'hanging on' bit that I need to be wary of. I must be especially wary of clinging too tightly to anger. Resentment. Suspicion. Disappointment. Lust.  I shouldn't ask now whether someone deserves to be forgiven, ask whether I deserve the pain of keeping a bad feeling alive. I admit I'm too quick to assume to accept unwelcome impositions. I figure that the more I object, the more painful it is all going to be. I start suffering in silence before I even take time to reflect on whether I actually have to start suffering at all. I don't have to suffer. My life is what I make it. I have my ups and downs, as far as myself...but I'm on track to growing up. Seeing what truly matters. Right? SO why the fuck am i so fucked up? why the actual fuck can't I be the brilliant person i'm suppose to be? Being content? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering. We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. It’s so easy to say I want to change, but so difficult to actually do something about it,. I’m caught in the middle of everything and I can’t ever seem to find my way. I realize so much more each day, I don’t know what to do with it all. I'm the only one to blame. it will always be me. Nothing is permanent. even life. it is all so fleeting. yet knowing this doesn't stop me from being so wrapped up in the trivial things that seem to surround me. my heart is so shut off I'm not even sure if it still beats. or maybe I've silenced the sound to avoid hearing it's unrhythmic pounding. I don't want to feel anymore. Too tired. the sun doesn't shine here anymore. it's lost it's way. all I have to guide me now is the moon. but it's about as reliable as the people in my life. I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. maybe soon I won't. color me committed. 

I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything. they say don’t surround yourself with people who make you justify your vibe. Black holes don’t give the light back. 

dream 2

I was sleeping, and I was aware of that. I started out sitting on a bench in front of the house, a red bench at that...a bench that doesn't exist in life. I was amazed by how real everything seemed - the ground was hard, the bench wasn't smooth. I could feel the wind. Everything was just like in real life, except me - I felt lightness in my body, and my hands and arms were translucent, and although i could see a variety of colors, everything had a blue tint to it - it seemed that only the desire to stand kept me on the ground, but I could lift into the air at any moment.

I was in a room with my friend Megan, some unknown girl and equally unknown man. What's curious, three of us knew that we were in a lucid dream. I asked Megan: "What's the difference ?". She said: "Simple. Those who realize that they are in a dream - they are in there independently. Those who think they are not sleeping - they are fruits of your imagination".
The guy seemed reluctant to believe what was happening, so I set out to prove it. I pointed my hand at him - a wind started blowing and his t-shirt began moving like a flag. I turned my hand around - it started pulling air, like a vacuum-cleaner. Then I kinetically raised the poor guy into the air and gently put him back into arm-chair. Finally, I raised the chair itself up to the ceiling and turned it over. Then I found out that the guy was not in the zone of levitation after all - he dropped out of a chair and fell on the floor. I remember looking at him laying on the floor, and he looked so small compared to everything around him, almost as if I was looking at him through a microscope like he was some time of specimen. As I kept staring at him he started to glow, but just around his heart area, a bright blue. I turned around to see Megan's reaction but she was gone and as i did a double take and checked my surroundings I was in a field, the same field in which the strange man from my last lucid dream brought me and sat me by a tree, and shortly after was murdered. The field looked the exact same and as i looked around for the tree i saw a person running towards me, The way the person was running towards me at full speed made me question whether or not to run, but i didn't. I stood right where i was and waited for this person to reach me, after what seemed like an eternity, i'm able to make out this person's face,,,,,,it's my grandfather. But not the grandfather I knew, not physically anyway...I'd seen one picture of my grandpa when he was 26 years old......and this man in front of me was a spitting image of the man in the picture, I was standing in front of my grandfather, I immediately became frantic and started running towards him...as i reached out to touch him he disappeared and everything turned white....the kind of white light that people relate heaven to. I'm guessing I was having trouble breathing, because i woke up coughing, and after i was fully awake I began wheezing. 

dream 1

They say when we dream our soul physically leaves the body and enters the 4th dimension. Our dreams are actual reality on a different level of frequency incomprehensible to our physical bodies. Lucid dreaming is recognizing you are actually dreaming in an awakened state being one step closer to astral projection. From here possibilities are endless. Since I never use this shitty website where all my demons are laid out in front of me, I'm going to start using it as a dream journal. The very begging of the dream is very blurry, but it started with each Infinity Gem growing out of my right hand on the top knuckle of each finger, and the purple gem grew out of the middle of the top of my hand. All of this was followed with a surge of power and energy crackles around my hand and body. I feel absolutely unlimited and god-like and kind of lean back a bit with my fists to raised to shoulder length and just surge with power. The power is absolutely overwhelming, so I turn it down and look at each gem embedded in the flesh of my hand with all their vibrant colors. I could see cosmic clouds inside of each gem slowly swirling as if each of them contained their own Universe. Now that I have absolute infinite power, what was I going to do. It seemed to present an immediate problem that I hadn’t really thought of. What does one do with the power to do absolutely anything? My thoughts were that I could use this power to help other people and make reality a better place for all to live in. In the dream, I had a friend who had been wrongfully imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit. Thus, freeing him would be a noble and just thing so I teleport (forget flying) to the prison cell where he is at. He is shocked to see me appear and is somewhat fearful. “How did you get in here? Why are you in prison?” “I’ve come to free you.” I tell him. “And I am going to grant you the power to fly and run at near light speed so that no one can catch you again.”. I point my hand infused with infinite power drawn from the six Infinity Gems and a beam of mystical energy envelops him and his body absorbs it. I turn around and dissolve the prison bars and clearing a path for him to escape. He runs like the Flash from DC comics and bolts out of the prison travelling like a streak. I teleport outside the prison next to him and he leaps up to the sky and blasts off a remarkable speeds. Again, I have to teleport to his location and he’s now at an abandoned industrial section of a city learning to control his power. We talk about what he can do and I tell him that not only can he travel fast but his body will adjust to absorb the kinetic impact should he crash into anything. He decides that he wants to also help people and use his power for the better good. Thus, a new super-hero is born. When that need to help this friend was fulfilled, I was back to contemplating what I wanted to do next with all of this power. Knowing that I could create and have anything that I desired made me really desire nothing at all. I was satisfied in knowing that just such a possibility existed and that was good enough. I go for a walk down a city street looking at it knowing at a whim I could change it into anything that I wanted which only made me want to keep it as it was. I looked at the sculpted architecture of the buildings and the people walking about, it was already perfect in it’s own unique way. Why change it, and affect the will of others I thought? Again, I was just satisfied knowing that if I really wanted to, I could but it was better to just let things be as they were. One of the interesting effects of this dream simulating the infinity gems was that I was also picking up the thoughts and emotions of people. I could feel their anger, jealousy, fear, love etc. I could hear their surface thoughts if I focused on a person. After i left the city, at one point I was in my room, and as I looked up an image of an open door way was in front of me. I begged for it to be one man who would walk through the door, and, for once, my brain actually allowed me one wish. My friend from the prison. He stepped through, he smiled and took my hand and pulled me through the door way. The scene is “refreshed” and I’m in a room with three couches arranged in a triangle. I’m alone on one couch, on the couch on the left was my best girlfriend and three other random people, and on my right was The Man, smiling at me, and two other random people. I shyly smile and look down. We were playing a sort of game where one person picks another person, picks them up, and takes them elsewhere, but they had to sneak up on the person and surprise them. It was random, I don’t understand it. After a couple of turns, I hadn’t been picked yet. I pouted and laid on my side facing the couch back. After a few seconds, I got swept off the couch. I giggled and looked up and saw The Man. He smiled at me. We walked away from the room of couches and walked to the outdoors. He put me down by a tree, which I found strange, he then told me to wait, and promised he’d be right back. I stood against the tree and closed my eyes, just waiting for him to return. When I opened my eyes a few seconds later to the sound of gunshots and screaming, it was dark outside. How long had he been gone? My brother, who came out of fucking nowhere ran up to me yelling, “Don’t look up, just please don’t look up!” Why couldn’t I look up? If someone had been shot, they’d be on the ground, wouldn’t they? So, of course, I look up. On a high up branch, with blood flowing out of multiple holes in his chest, was The Man. His eyes, still open, stared down at me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My brother and my best friend grabbed hold of me tightly. I cried and the scene faded away. Still crying, I walked into what was like an amusement park game building, with skeeball and basketball. All around me where these strange busts of what looked like Hades, ruler of the underworld, but with clown makeup on. I saw my best friend over by a skeeball machine. She turned to me, woe plastered on her face. She hugged me and whispered, “I am so sorry.” I just sniffled in response and smiled at her. I looked at the game, “I just wish there was something I could do…” Bailey got angry at me, and pulled her shirt collar to the side, revealing a large scar in the shape of a pentagram on her upper chest. She spoke sternly, “I tried everything I could for you. I feel horrible for you. Someone killed him, and I wanted to try to get him back for you.” Get him back? The Man was in Hades’ underworld; and I knew I had to get him back. I knew I had to play skeeball and win in order to get to the underworld and find him. After three throws of the ball, I won. The back of the game opened up, and I put my hand into the space. A hand grabbed mine, and I pulled The Man out. The scene faded away. He was back, I knew it. However, after being in the underworld, all of his memories of me had disappeared. This was too much for me to handle, and I went to a psychologist. I was going through my camera, which had pictures of him in it. We talked about the pictures, I cried. There was a knock at the door. The psychologist opened the door and The Man walked through. My breath caught and I cried out his name. He looked at me with confused eyes. I forgot he had no idea who I was. He sat next to me and I had to fight the urge to hold his hand, but I inched myself closer to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he didn’t move or tell me to stop. Then I woke up.

Dearest blogspot, I'm sorry I've neglected you. I've intended to write....but life, I guess, has gotten in the way. Everything I thought I wanted has changed, and everything I was so worried I would never get, has been obtained. I love where I live, Charleston is the most beautiful place I've ever been and living here is something I've always dreamed of. I've found that love makes the world go round, as corny and cliche as this may sound. I love being able to wake up, and walk to the beach, smoke a jay on the pier. I love my roommate, who has made me realize that life is so short, and shouldn't be wasted with negative people and worrying about shit you can't change. She's taught me to enjoy every little moment, and every person God puts in my way. I love my job, and all the amazing people I've met. I love my talented, witty, smart father, who I'm so happy to have back in my life. I love my boyfriend, who makes me feel like I'm floating. I love my new car, that I worked my fucking ass off for. I love my fur babies. I love being surrounded by people who want nothing but the best for me. I love my life, and i wouldn't change a thing.