Being content? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering. We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. It’s so easy to say I want to change, but so difficult to actually do something with my life. I’m caught in the middle of everything and I can’t ever seem to find my way. I realize so much more each day, I don’t know what to do with it all.

I shouldn't worry about what seems to be ending; but I should consider what is beginning. I'm moving away, Away not only physically but from an arrangement that has been unsatisfactory for some while, even though it has provided a degree of superficial stability. Yet, there is still so much uncertainty.  I need to forget how things were and not be afraid of how things will be. 

Let's do something about it. we both know it's not working. we both know we want it how it used to be. but how can you progress when there's so many things stopping you. those words bombed the pathways to our safehaven. those actions made us so weak. we're stronger now. it's been weeks.. it's been hours of crying, praying, wanting, wishing... and it's finally come to a hault. i feel as if my life is crashing down before me and i'm just standing here... letting everything crash... letting those words settle around me, build walls around me. your smile, your laughter, everything is just killing me, tearing me apart. it's true that actions speak louder than words, but words build bridges... words let you find your path. i'm locked here in this cage. i'm trapped in a world of misunderstandings and apathy. i can't escape no matter what i try. so i'll let go. sometimes you just have to work with what you have... even if you have nothing.

and Flowers really? Really? Why do people think flowers are beautiful? they're boring, delicate, yet somehow intricate. how can someone enjoy getting flowers. flowers that are dead. do you get joy out of receiving dead gifts? that's no more appealing than my dog killing a sparrow and laying it outside my door for me to step on. personally, i'd rather you grow me a garden than kill me one. i don't want your charity. I don't want anything from you. 

I'm the only one to blame. it will always be me. Nothing is permanent. even life. it is all so fleeting. yet knowing this doesn't stop me from being so wrapped up in the trivial things that seem to surround me. my heart is so shut off I'm not even sure if it still beats. or maybe I've silenced the sound to avoid hearing it's unrhythmic pounding. have I always been this broken? I'm not sure I know where to begin. I want to feel the fire. I'm so cold. So distant. So afraid. I'm terrified of letting my anger out because it just might kill me. I'll just hold it in. just hold it in. I've felt it for so long. I think it's always been there. building, waiting. this demon that has taken me over is getting harder to constrain. no one knows. no one really knows. I hope they never will. But then again it might set me free. These walls look at me as if they know; what's coming. I don't want to cry anymore. Too tired. the sun doesn't shine here anymore. it's lost it's way. all I have to guide me now is the moon. but it's about as reliable as the people in my life. I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. maybe soon I won't. color me committed.

why do we look for love? lust? what is it inside us that makes us need someone else? I need no one. But I want someone more than ever. I act shocked when I'm told the truth, when I knew it all along. everyone else was wrong. I told you so just doesn't have the same ring to it when said while fighting back tears. I'll be fine. Better than fine, I'll be ok. I don't need anyone. my feet are cold. How do you really know the truth? You never will unless they want you to. Should I try anyway? It could end differently. It could end badly. I want my hope back. I was content. Then I was pushed. Why do we get so worked up over one person? There are billions of people in this world. But yet one manages to set our whole life off track, if we allow it. Wouldn't it be nice to catch a break. Get what you want. Isn't it awful how when someone rejects you, you try to think of what you did wrong? It's a matter of personal opinion. Not right or wrong. Everything will be as it shall be. Fate, destiny, irrelevant. my mind won't stop racing. won't slow down enough for me to catch up. this is just babbling. ranting. unimportant. in a week I won't feel this anymore. it won't matter. why wait that long? it doesn't matter now. I just decided. wouldn't that be easier? I'm not letting anything stand in my way of happiness anymore. I wish I could follow through with anything I thought. With what I wanted to do. I forget. And get caught up. I mean well. My heart will one day beat strong, proud, content. It will pump my veins full of happiness. I want to go on a road trip. Drive for three days straight. I feel foolish. Why do I let it affect me like this? It's a crush.. guess that's the dead give away right there. crush –verb (used with object) 1. to press or squeeze with a force that destroys or deforms. destroy. break it down and you realize we do all that we do to feel alive. but what really makes you feel alive? truly, undeniably alive? pain. we look for happiness, and when we get it, we no longer want it. Happiness is an illusion, or delusion. everyone has something to lose. that's something to look forward to. I have quit smoking. so far not helping. I quit drinking a while ago.. well I didn't drink as often. Because I didn't like how I acted or felt when I was drunk, anymore. Keeping everything bottled up for so long creates a lot of inner turmoil. And when I drink I have a harder time keeping it hidden. Like right now I want to scream. I want to cry. I miss my home, my friends, my life, everything that was mine. I'm stuck in this house, with rules, and insane quirks about water bills. the most stupid shit you could think of I have to deal with it. I'm tired of having to rely on other people. That's why I've pushed them away. If I can't do it myself, it doesn't need to be done. I decided this today when I had to carry a dresser down two flights of stairs by myself, because no one would help me as many times as I have asked in the past 2 weeks. I thought how it would be easier to have someone's help. But who needs easy? I like a good challenge. Just please god don't take anything else away yet.

I love you just a little too much. I feel so numb. Like nothing matters. I absolutely hate this feeling. Some people, they can't just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Or at least seem to be. But for me... I don't know. I don't want to fix it, to forget. It's not something that's broken. It's just...something that happened. 

5 o'clock this morning. Rest in paradise FWD. I love you.