I'm so numb.
I want to sleep for the next 6 months.
I hate this.
I hate what I've gotten myself into.
At this very moment, nothing matters to me.
Nothing.

"Blessed are they who have no expectations, for they shall not be disappointed.' Is that good advice? Or is it a cop-out. You are a deep-thinking Cancerian. Surely, you know better than anyone how two apparently opposing ideas can both be relevant and valid. Sit on that fence, hedge those bets, cover those bases, but don't lower your sights or your standards too far. You really do now have a reason to expect an upturn in your emotional life. And it would be a shame to miss out on this just by adopting some overly pessimistic point of view."




i rely so heavily on my astrology for decision making. 
I guess I should give you a chance? 

Keenyn, if you even read this anymore...I love you. Please don't forget about me.

"It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed. That someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless. like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone..you almost wish you that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good"


:(

It was really hard to bite my tongue when she told me that.
Shit sucks.
I was thinking about it ALL day.

Opinions are a disease.  Given conducive conditions, they breed and multiply. Sooner or later, we are all infected. We realise that we cannot have an idea of our own because someone else has already thought about the subject and stamped their own idea upon it. Thus we echo and parrot the voices that we hear. But how carefully do any of us really stop to think before we speak? 

Does anything ever get better?

Mom, just so you fucking know....taking away a phone doesn't bother me.
it actually makes me want to piss you off even more.

Keep preaching about me moving out, cause when I do...
you'll never hear from me..even if I'm at the end of my wits with no where to go.
Burning bridges.
Making wishes.

I feel like there is a giant magnet in my chest which is forlornly pulling at an invisible counterpart, just hoping that something will pull back. I feel like my own skin is trying to crawl its way off my body, or something underneath is trying to break though. As if, very soon, I will soar and combust and be filled with an irrevocable calm. I feel like, for the past few years, I’ve just been waiting. Waiting to wake up and realise and know. 

When in reality, I’ve been slowly drowning for a while now; getting heavier and deeper as time goes on, the surface being just out of reach. Once or twice I might see a glimmer of light through the waves but it’s become too nice and quiet down here — safe — that I never try too hard to keep afloat. I just sink deeper into the dark, bottomless pit of silence, loneliness and despair where nobody bothers you and you just wilt away from existence without even trying.

When people say "I know what you're going through," I'm just thinking.....NO. NO, you don't. Maybe something similar, but no. You wouldn't understand, so why should i even bother explaining?

Do you know how many times I got asked if I was "okay" this weekend?

Guess I'm starting to act differently. 

Great. 

For all of you that have made my week amazing..
Let me get this out of my system before I explode:

• stop playing the fucking victim. Hold your own, be accountable for your own actions. 
• why are you so damn moody and sensitive? Nobody feels sorry for you. You're a bitch. You talk shit about everyone, and then expect them to want to be your friend? 
• I ALWAYS try to hang out with you, and you always have some lame excuse. Don't throw shit back in my face.
• you're really starting to erk me, the way you think you know every God damn thing about everyone. 
• You’re as deceitful or hypocritical as the next, and we all know your game. Your complexity is nothing more than a cover-up for your insecurities.

You're annoying as fuck.

"You fear that you are in danger of 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. You have made a statement; given a declaration of intent. Now, you are starting to doubt yourself. Have you been too extreme? Have you made a promise that you can't deliver or a threat that you don't feel able to come through with? Just before you backtrack, consider the possibility of standing firm. You have chosen a path that was never going to be easy. That doesn't mean that it wasn't, isn't or won't be right. Give it a little more time."






You have no idea how much better I feel after reading this.

i disappearing for awhile.

I'm sitting here with my shirt over my knees, heart beating over my thoughts. it's so loud. This silence is screaming at me so loudly it makes my ears burn. friends. nothing more. I'm trying so hard not to freak the fuck out. I haven't been alone in so long, I can't do it. sober; alone. IT FUCKING HURTS. I'm just one huge mess. out of control. Confused. Indifferent. I can never explain my thoughts the way I used to. it might be a good thing because I'm not as dark as I was then. I'm in a different place. I'm just not sure yet it it's actually a better place. I did this, I know. chock it up to immaturity, fear, alcohol, hormones, imbalance, loneliness and insecurity? I think these nightmares filled with my demons are starting to show themselves for what they really are. and to be frank, I'm terrified. then again there are 6 billion people in the world? who the fuck are you? who the fuck am I? NOBODY. I intend to change that. someone god please save me from myself. I want love and responsibility I truly do. face your fears? here's to nothing. I have gotten pretty good, sometimes I catch myself believing I'm content or happy. Possibly getting what I want? HA. I've still got hope at least.

You’re everywhere. in everything. References. Thoughts. Memories. This wouldn't be easy. That would be far too convenient. Either way I feel like dying.
I know what I want. I also know I have no chance of having any of it.