Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago.

In it, you told me to go fuck myself.
I still remember that night.
I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully.
I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.

Two months ago I called you at three A.M.
I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail;
those were two of the things you were best at.
You answered and I felt my heart begin to race;
you probably thought it was because I missed you,
but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer,
and because I really had to pee.
I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused.
It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life.
You told me “fine” and I smiled.
That was the last conversation we had.
I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way.

Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are.
I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately.
If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet. 
You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you.
But that is not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
To make sure that you were happy before myself.
To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now.
And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to.
A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.
A person I loved, yes. 
But it is not six months ago.
It is now, and now I miss you.
I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was.
I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t.
I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories.
And maybe one day things will be different.
Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was.
These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep.
But for right now? 

So how bout you go fuck yourself.

I saw you today, for the last time in this world. It was absolutely unbearable, and now I wish i would have never walked up to that casket. You weren't yourself, you were cold, distant, your face was swollen. I would haven't even recognized you; but i could see the peace on your face. And that's the only thing that gave me light, knowing you're out of this fucked up world, and you're were you deserve to be. Everyone's taking it pretty rough, Hunter is in so much pain, he misses you so much, he sat in the corner at the wake last night with his head in his hands sobbing. And you're dad is the strongest man I've ever met, he went around the room consoling everybody, assuring them that you would have been happy to see everyone together, But I'm still not sure what to do with this roller coaster of emotions your death has brought me on, but I think I'm okay. I've excepted that fact that you're gone, but at the same time I'm still hurting not knowing if you hear my prayers, whether or not you know just how much you meant to me, whether you were able to hear my speech today. Maybe one day I'll find the answer to these questions but until then just know I love you with everything I have, Jarrod Lee Howard, you will forever be in my heart and soul, Not a day will go by that I don't look in the sky at think about you.

God gained another angel friday, I just wish it wasn’t Jarrod. I’ll never forget how selfless you were, and always willing to help me you were..no matter what. You were one of my best friends I made in Charleston, and one of the first people to really show me they cared. Night after night, in my shitty little apartment, smoking down with HB and leslie…talking about what we wanted from life, but who knew yours would be taken so soon. It’s such a loss. It's been a while since i've seen you, but now it's gunna be a little bit longer. I know you're still with us, I feel it. I'm hurting now, but I know you're helping me. I kept saying I was going to come visit soon, or I said I call you right back; no i regret more. I regret time wasted, time i took for granted. It's silly, and I know I'll see you again but it fucking hurts. You got called back sooner than expected and we ran out of time we thought we had. My heart’s heavy. i miss you over and over again. in some ways,i wish it was all a sick joke and you were still alive and that you'd be outside my door with that adorable grin on your face, i wish i could tell you just once more how much i fucking love you and how much i miss you. i miss you so much. so so much. sweet dreams. i love you. shine bright for me please? save a spot for me,i’ll see you soon..

I hang on to things that I ought to let go of. I let go of things that I ought to keep. The 'letting go' bit is not such a problem. If things are really meant to be for me, they'll come back to me. It's the 'hanging on' bit that I need to be wary of. I must be especially wary of clinging too tightly to anger. Resentment. Suspicion. Disappointment. Lust.  I shouldn't ask now whether someone deserves to be forgiven, ask whether I deserve the pain of keeping a bad feeling alive. I admit I'm too quick to assume to accept unwelcome impositions. I figure that the more I object, the more painful it is all going to be. I start suffering in silence before I even take time to reflect on whether I actually have to start suffering at all. I don't have to suffer. My life is what I make it. I have my ups and downs, as far as myself...but I'm on track to growing up. Seeing what truly matters. Right? SO why the fuck am i so fucked up? why the actual fuck can't I be the brilliant person i'm suppose to be? Being content? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering. We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. It’s so easy to say I want to change, but so difficult to actually do something about it,. I’m caught in the middle of everything and I can’t ever seem to find my way. I realize so much more each day, I don’t know what to do with it all. I'm the only one to blame. it will always be me. Nothing is permanent. even life. it is all so fleeting. yet knowing this doesn't stop me from being so wrapped up in the trivial things that seem to surround me. my heart is so shut off I'm not even sure if it still beats. or maybe I've silenced the sound to avoid hearing it's unrhythmic pounding. I don't want to feel anymore. Too tired. the sun doesn't shine here anymore. it's lost it's way. all I have to guide me now is the moon. but it's about as reliable as the people in my life. I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel. maybe soon I won't. color me committed. 

I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything. they say don’t surround yourself with people who make you justify your vibe. Black holes don’t give the light back. 

dream 2

I was sleeping, and I was aware of that. I started out sitting on a bench in front of the house, a red bench at that...a bench that doesn't exist in life. I was amazed by how real everything seemed - the ground was hard, the bench wasn't smooth. I could feel the wind. Everything was just like in real life, except me - I felt lightness in my body, and my hands and arms were translucent, and although i could see a variety of colors, everything had a blue tint to it - it seemed that only the desire to stand kept me on the ground, but I could lift into the air at any moment.

I was in a room with my friend Megan, some unknown girl and equally unknown man. What's curious, three of us knew that we were in a lucid dream. I asked Megan: "What's the difference ?". She said: "Simple. Those who realize that they are in a dream - they are in there independently. Those who think they are not sleeping - they are fruits of your imagination".
The guy seemed reluctant to believe what was happening, so I set out to prove it. I pointed my hand at him - a wind started blowing and his t-shirt began moving like a flag. I turned my hand around - it started pulling air, like a vacuum-cleaner. Then I kinetically raised the poor guy into the air and gently put him back into arm-chair. Finally, I raised the chair itself up to the ceiling and turned it over. Then I found out that the guy was not in the zone of levitation after all - he dropped out of a chair and fell on the floor. I remember looking at him laying on the floor, and he looked so small compared to everything around him, almost as if I was looking at him through a microscope like he was some time of specimen. As I kept staring at him he started to glow, but just around his heart area, a bright blue. I turned around to see Megan's reaction but she was gone and as i did a double take and checked my surroundings I was in a field, the same field in which the strange man from my last lucid dream brought me and sat me by a tree, and shortly after was murdered. The field looked the exact same and as i looked around for the tree i saw a person running towards me, The way the person was running towards me at full speed made me question whether or not to run, but i didn't. I stood right where i was and waited for this person to reach me, after what seemed like an eternity, i'm able to make out this person's face,,,,,,it's my grandfather. But not the grandfather I knew, not physically anyway...I'd seen one picture of my grandpa when he was 26 years old......and this man in front of me was a spitting image of the man in the picture, I was standing in front of my grandfather, I immediately became frantic and started running towards him...as i reached out to touch him he disappeared and everything turned white....the kind of white light that people relate heaven to. I'm guessing I was having trouble breathing, because i woke up coughing, and after i was fully awake I began wheezing.