Thought I was going to start my internship tonight, instead I'm making a trip to North Carolina due to the phone call from my grandfathers hospice nurse saying he wouldn't make it through the night. It's going to be a rough couple of days.

I just wanna talk to somebody. Somebody who gives a fuck about what I have to say.

Seeing my grandmother cry like that breaks my heart. She's loosing the love her of her life, and i can't even imagine the pain she's feeling. The man I sung to everyday, played hide and seek with, the man who made me breakfast every morning is dying as I type this and there's nothing I can do about it. Nobody told me grief felt so much like fear. I hate death. I hate it. Everything is taken away from you, and you have nothing left but memories that make you feel like even more has been stolen.

You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be in pain. But I don't want to loose you. I want you the way you use to be, but that's selfish. You swore that you'd be fine, but you're not.


"So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side. Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die. Because if seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes."

If things could stay just like this forever, and you could stay right here; I'd be happy. Wishes are only wishes.

Keep assuming. Look just how far it's gotten you.

lol, I thought you were the only exception to this jealous petty shit...oh but know. Bitch, you wouldn't know half the people you hang out with if it wasn't for me if you wanna get technical. Don't even try me with some bullshit. GOD DAMN. Way to piss me off.


I don't get it. Enlighten me? Why do some people seem to have enemies while others go through life without angering and alienating anybody at all? Perhaps they just have more affable dispositions than me. Or maybe they don't need antagonists and opponents because they are so very good at upsetting and annoying themselves. 

What the actual fuck was I thinking?

Confidence is a wonderful thing when you've got it. it has an annoying tendency to slip out of sight and prove difficult to retrieve. You know you had it somewhere. It surely can't be too far away. But even when you turn everything upside down, there is no joy. Indeed, there is rarely any joy when you turn everything in your world upside down - and rarely any confidence. 

Eh, seeing all the faggots I graduated posting pictures of their ugly dorms, makes me feel like a loser...even though I'm going to school in October. At least I'll be living in an actually home, not a cinder block room.

I'm excited about tomorrow. Curren$y.
I'm so tired. I can't sleep for shit though.

Stop trying so fucking hard. I hope your ego eats you alive. Asshole.

Transitions. Transitions. Transitions. Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.


It's hard to get over the fact that I'm the only person stopping me from getting what I want. Why can't I overcome what's dragging me down? I keep waiting and waiting. Nothing's going to change, until I do. I'm so apathetic. I don't care. I just don't fucking care. But I want to care. I want to fucking care.


If I died, I contemplate who would even give a fuck. I wouldn't.

I hate you. I fucking hate you, in every since of the phrase. How dare you put words in my mouth. I don't control what others say about me to you. My words only mean something when you hear them from me. You are exactly what you say "a piece of shit sperm donor." Don't act so smug. You know you haven't done shit to benefit me, besides paying for a root canal two years ago. That's 1, 500 dollars in 15 years. I'm your daughter. Your fucking daughter. Take some fucking responsibility before I ring you for every penny you own. Fuck your snaggle toothed bitch wife too, it's none of her business...and she has no place to say a word to me. I pitty my brother, he's gonna be one fucked up little boy living with you two. And in response to me "hurting your feelings."...Fuck your feelings. You never cared about mine. Did you? GOD DAMN.

Random. I should let my guard more often. who knew some dread head i met at birthday bash could show me such a good time. Haa. Apparently I can just smile, turn on the charm and get what I want, why aren't I doing that? I let my past get to me. I'm always to angry with someone else to be nice to the people who just try to mend a heart they didn't break.

Whatever happens, remember I did, I do, and I will always love you.

lol anybody that cuts you off, just because somebody else doesn't like you.....is not your friend my dear. Let me keep telling myself that. I'd like to conserve the little bit of sanity I have left. These walls were built for a reason.

I've had a good couple of days. Gunna smoke my ass off until November. On everything. lol
Best friends birthday is on Wednesday, gotta plan something special.

Hoping, wishing, praying Amber gets me a job. Fuck the one I got.

Nobody said it would be easy. But nobody said it would be this hard.