Fuck love, I'm tired of trying. My heart's big, but it beats quiet.

There are nice ways to say things and then there are thoughtless ways. When I express myself carelessly, I can create unnecessary conflict and turn potential allies into resentful adversaries. Even when I claim to be unaffected by the attitudes of others, I can't help but feel sensitive. Must I really  make an allowance for someone else's unconscious actions?

I'm not sure of where I'm going, but I'm on the way.
I'm done stressing about school.
I think I have a job at ulta.
I had a really good birthday, regardless of getting kicked out of my house.
Rachel took me to lil five points and got me drunker than a white bitch at Becca's.
Amber took my boy and I to Atlantic station to eat a strip, then to the Hookah bar.

After all the fucking work I did for West Georgia, I start at the Art Institute of Atlanta in July. Thank you low SAT scores.

Bad things happen in three.

1. I'm not going to college until January.
2. Daniel overdosed on heroin last night, rest in peace baby boy. 
3. You're moving to fucking New York.

My world never revolves, it always has to shift and jerk in every God damn way.

Breath while you're alive.

It's hard to not talk to you when it's all I want to do.

im getting down with the awkard moments 
im getting down with his sour-sweet kiss 
im getting down with the rumors in the back of the car 
im getting down with your new vocation.
im getting down with your cute cut wrist 
im getting down with the cross-stitches on it 
im getting down with the young drunk lovers 
im getting down with the haters
im getting down with the one-way pact 
im getting down with the city and the pity of it 
im getting down with it 

I am too satisfied with the things I say, the things I do, the attitudes that shape my reactions day after day. I too easily accept quick assessments of my own righteousness in situations where I have been anything but righteous. I am too skilled at arguments structured to make me feel okay about what I think, about what I desire, about what I do. I am too defensive when a loved one makes an attempt to call me out and suggest for a moment that what I have decided, said, or done is less than good. I am too comfortable with the state of things between you and me, too relaxed with the nature of my love for you, too able to minimize my need for your grace. In my world there is so much that is wrong that I am able to convince myself it's right. I make decisions based more on what I want than on what you will. To tell you the truth, I'm a stupid girl. I am a complete and total disaster. I am broken. I will tell you over and over that i don’t want to be put back together. I like being around crazy people. I apologize too much but I'm never sorry. I'm always tired but never sleeping. I'll think you're absolutely beautiful but I will dwell on your flaws.  As much as I say I'm open, I'm the most judgmental person you will ever meet.  yet, people's opinions mean everything and nothing to me at the same time. i have something to say about everything. 

I've had a good couple of days. 

Everything is good now. 

Lol, okay we get it.

I find it rather pathetic that my grandfather is laying down the hall from me on his death bed, and yet all I can think about is you. Why do I let my mind run off?

I'm sorry in advance that it took me this long to realize I have no feelings for you. I'm in North Carolina by the way, so don't send me any nasty text messages about how I'm ignoring you. You can stop reading this shit now. After saturday night, I'm done.

Pool party today, I'm excited.

I'm going to keep my lips sealed, because it's none of my business.....but if you only knew. I guess what you don't know won't hurt you, right?

People are wonderful. People are annoying. People are impressive. People are disappointing. Yes, I know. These statements contradict each other. But then, so do people. Not only do people contradict each other, they contradict themselves. We are all good and bad, great and terrible, capable and helpless. And none of us, if the truth be told, know quite which of these things we are going to be next. I've learned that everybody has flaws, if you want someone to be apart of your life, you learn to live with their flaws. I'm letting go of people I don't want in my life; even if it's because they don't want me in theirs. 




Letting go is not to forget, not to think about or ignore. It doesn’t have any feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning or losing. It’s not about being proud. It’s not about obsessing and dwelling on the past. It isn’t about loss and it isn’t about defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to over come them and move on. Letting go is accepting. Letting go is having the courage to accept change. Letting go is growing up. I’m growing up, letting go. I'll miss my past, but the past is the past. No more mean words. No more mean thoughts. 

I'm in a strange mood. I'm ready for Friday.