why am I so fucked up?

someone please explain this to me.
I want to be honest
I want to be sober
I want to be happy

18 years later and I still pray you will remember.
you never do.
me being fucked isn't your fault
how could it be?
I don't blame you.
I despise you.

These girls are ridiculous. It's one thing to state your opinion about someone, but another to completely bash another human being that you know absolutely nothing about. You say you have better things to do with your time than to worry about other people.....yet you continue to gossip about a situation that could have been prevented all together if you would have kept your mouth shut.

Please don't get me wrong, I can talk some shit..but never about someone who I have never had any form of a relationship with and anyone who has never negatively affected me...
Don't talk about my best friend, who has been has through more in her 17 years on earth than you'll probably ever have to deal with in your life. You talk about how you're doing so well with your life, and how your big and mighty because you're still in school..going to college..etc...BIG FUCKING DEAL. Obviously, that's not enough to satisfy you, because you still have to talk about others to make yourself feel better.

Hannah,

I understand exactly how you feel, things I write sometimes are usaully never a real refelction of the way I feel long term, but simply me getting my thoughts out and not letting them fill inside me. Venting on here always helps me.


I'm glad we're on good terms, regardless of our past.
We should hang out sometime soon.

I got my scars right here

I truly miss my ability to explain myself and feelings.

For the sake of my insanity here's my best shot.

try. try. try.
fail. fail. fail.
I'm not a back burner kind of gal.
"never hated to love like this"
let me stop you there. love the IDEA, not the person.
I don't love you.
I wonder sometimes if I am capable of this emotion.
or perhaps I am too capable?
I ask myself the same questions you ask.
why do I care?
Because he made me feel like i was floating,
like i didn't have to think, worry, anything, just keep on that smile.

I'm losing you.
I sense it in your hugs.
Not the drug induced ones.
The distant look you have.
I'm bowing out.
The heart is yours, but I'm keeping the scar.


No more lies.
I am not bulletproof.
Ever notice how you put your hand on your face,
and you don't really feel it, it's just there.
but when he does, you feel everything.
You feel the smallest movement.
You feel it in every cell.
That tingle.
It makes a difference.
It's the most wonderful thing.

I can't see the light
from this hole you have dug
remember how to fight?

work on improving yourself before you tell me
or anyone else, on this planet
what is so deeply wrong with them.
you will never reach that personal perfection before you die,
so shut the fuck up and try your best to.

my eyes won't shut,
my breath won't start,
my heart won't slow,
sleep won't come.
don't flatter yourself, your not this important.

well baby here's all you asked for and more.
Expectations are terrible things, second only to assumptions in their ability to confuse and disappoint.

Petty shit

Oh God, here we go again.
You're my first and you're starting to feel like my last.
I've never hated someone and loved someone so much at the same time.
This is dangerous.

Ansleigh;

I'm so sorry.You don't deserve this baby girl...as much as you've been through.
You're strong, so I know you'll be just fine.
I love you.

And Dyls, I love you too...
Everything will be okay soon enough.

Happy early birthday Keenyn

I love you. I wish I could call you.

"When you were three years old, you had a pair of shoes. Where are they now? Why can't you find them and why don't they still fit you? I only ask to illustrate an important point. Sooner or later, in life, we grow out of things. They may once have had great importance but they are no longer relevant. Just as you will never be able to wear those shoes again, there are ideas that you can no longer take seriously and relationships that no longer mean what they once meant. Growth is always something to be glad of. "


This made me feel 10000000x better. 

Last night was embarrassing.

I throw up to much, in front of too many people.

Naiseyi better like her some Eiji...

Finally..

finally got my license.
finally got accepted into a school I want to go to.
finally going on vacation with someone who doesn't get on my last nerve.